My Oscar speech

I'd like to thank everyone who has supported me on this hellish journey to date. There's lots of you and you hopefully know who you are but I want to tell you that I couldn't have got this far without your love, friendship and support. So many people tell me how lucky I am to have such a loving and caring family and circle of friends. Even acquaintances and strangers have gone the extra mile. Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in my own little world that maybe I don't acknowledge this outwardly to you. So please know that I appreciate everything you have done and continue to do, no matter how big or small. This would have been even harder without you. Know too that in the future, when you might need me, I'll be there for you as you have been for me. Oh and lest I forget, thanks too to my agent, my publicist, God...

Mixed emotions

In four days I embark on my trip to New Zealand, Australia, Singapore and probably Vietnam. That's seven long but sometimes short months since I was widowed. People say I'm brave but I'm not brave. I'm just doing what I've got to do and hoping for the best the same as anyone else. Today I don't want to go and I definitely don't feel brave. Or at least I do want to go but I don't want to leave the security of my home, where my memories and the physical reminders of my past life are.

It's so hard doing this alone. I know I've got the support of my amazing family and friends but it's not the same as having T here. It's not the same not having that person around to bounce things off. To ask for advice. To get excited with. I know he'd want me to go but I'd happily trade this, and the rest, for my old life. It also feels rather daunting heading out into the big wide world on my own, without that person who always looked out for my safety, happiness and general wellbeing. I felt protected, although I wasn't aware of it at the time. Now I feel vulnerable. But I know I need to be strong and give the outward impression of strength in order not to feel so vulnerable.

Anyway, enough of the doom and gloom. This is meant to be inspirational... I know it will be a positive experience and I think it will be good for my soul. I'm lucky on many levels to be able to embark on this trip and I know T would want me to go and experience it for the both of us. I've got to live two lives now and this is my way of honouring my yesterday today.

Runner's world

Congratulations! Your application to take part in the 2010 Bupa Great North Run via the general ballot has been successful.

Rozzas

OK, so having spoken to the police today I now know that my FLO was involved in a serious RTA in December which is why I haven't heard from him. Fair enough. But it still doesn't explain why he didn't contact me for the 3 months prior to the accident. Or why systems aren't in place to ensure that his FLO caseload is automatically picked up by another officer while he is out of action. I appreciate that in my case I don't necessarily need lots of contact with my FLO but other people might. Rant over.

To do lists

I've been surrounded by to do lists since I met T. I never used to bother with them. Now I couldn't live without them. They're coming out my ears. This is how mine looks today:

Postal redirection?
Sort out broadband
Travel insurance - <£100?
Bike tax rebate
What drugs (legal) can you take into NZ/Aus?
Private medical cover
DIY - heaters x2, washer on tap, garage locks
Speak to family liaison offiicer (who incidentally hasn't returned my calls since October - surely not right?)
TV license renewal
Write new will
Give house plants to someone
Confirm B&B for 3 Peaks
Easyjet flight query
Packing
Tidy hall cupboard x2, kitchen cupboards and defrost freezer
Get stuff out loft
Send off proof of ID to banks x2

There's more but I won't bore you with the rest. Suffice to say that surprisingly I don't spend my work-less new life watching daytime television or reading trashy novels. Makes me wonder how I found the time to work. On top of the to do list, today I've also been to three banks for various boring reasons; washed the car; cleaned all the windows in the flat; oh, and admittedly I did have time for an aromatherapy massage this morning. I guess that was some me-time.

I do spend a disproportionately large amount of time online but I'm not sure what I do. Or rather I know what I do (check my emails, check facebook, check T's emails, check my bank accounts, reply to some emails, check facebook again, check my emails, reply to some emails, go on the BBC to ensure I haven't missed anything, check my emails...) but I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's because you can interact with the internet? Who knows. One thing I do know is that I have less online interaction over the weekend as people aren't at work. That means I almost feel like I'm doing a Mon-Fri 9-5 as that's when I get replies to my emails etc. Makes it feel like a long old time from Friday to Monday though.