May your days be merry and bright

So, Christmas is almost upon us once again. Not quite sure how that happened, but there you go.

Walking home last night I overheard two girls discussing what they had bought their other halves for Christmas (one lucky guy is getting: a one day River Cottage cookery course, a weekend away and some bits to open on the day. Seems a tad extravagant – we got half a tax disk each one year, and double glazing one year too – but each to their own). I then got home and rang my Mum to ask if she could pick me up a wreath to take to T's grave over Christmas. That's what I'm buying my husband this year.

I still struggle to think of T having a grave. I find it easier to think that he's simply gone. And I'm overwhelmed with sadness when I think what T's grave actually means. It means he's gone. Christmas can be a sad time. I miss him beyond measure: every single day of my life. I just wish I'd find him at home waiting for me one night. I've got so much to tell him and he'd know just what to say according to my various moods. He'd love the person I've become. I'm so much more confident in myself (most of the time), I take more pride in my appearance, I'm thinner and I love my exercise. I'm more relaxed about things that I used to be uptight about. The new me and T would have a blast, I just know it! But I'm only that person because T died and that's a pretty big thought.

Today, the amazing gift of T continued and I did something that gave me immense pleasure. T had £25 in his wallet when he died. I've kept that money to one side as T firmly believed in karma: if ever he found money in the street he'd donate it to charity because it wasn't his money to keep. So I've done the same with T's cash. I've um-ed and ah-ed about what to do with it – add it to T's website, donate it to a random charity – and today I made my decision. I bought a Big Issue from the lovely vendor who stands on Waterloo Bridge every single day – cleverly alternating sides to maximise sales. He is very unassuming, doesn't give anyone the hard sell, in fact he only speaks when spoken to, but then is always very polite. I handed him £20 and told him to keep the change. It gave me such a buzz! I explained that it was T's money and I wanted to give it to him as he works so hard. He was very grateful and told me he was looking forward to next week as it was the only week of the year he has off. I asked what he'd be doing and he told me he'd be sitting in a chair reading. So I hope that £20 makes a small difference to his Christmas. T was a regular buyer of the Big Issue so I know he'd approve.

As well as the sadness associated with Christmases for me now, there is also a lot of happiness. I get to see my family again. Yay! I get to spend time with my nephew, who I haven't seen since October and who will be celebrating his first birthday on Christmas Day. Yay again! I get to escape London and breath some fresh country air. And I get a big long break from work. I also get to spend my first new year in Italy, with some of the lovely people I've met/become reacquainted with over the past six months. There's no definite plan yet, but that's just the way the Italians roll so I have no choice but to roll with them, which is really good for me. I know we've got at least a night and a lunch in Monte Carlo planned, but beyond that I'm not sure. But that's all I need to know and it's all good.

I feel incredibly blessed. Blessed to have such loving, lovely people in my life who look out for me, make me smile, give me support and advice when I need it, keep me company and love me. Blessed to be in good health and good spirits. Blessed to have a job I enjoy (most of the time) and amazing colleagues (20 of us sitting down for a lunch of homemade chilli, jacket potatoes, bucks fizz, crackers and a chocolate raffle today in our large meeting room was really fun!). Blessed to have a job and a warm bed for the night (and an electric blanket!). And most of all, blessed to have known and loved T, and been loved back. I am who I am today because of him. And I'm grateful for everything he's inspired me to do. I'm a lucky girl.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas and all the very best for the new year. May your days be very merry and very bright.