Starting as I mean to go on

I've been feeling peculiar in recent weeks. I've had a feeling that I could neither shake off nor identify. Sometimes it's an excited feeling – going to work this morning in the gale-force winds and drizzle, this is how I felt. Sometimes it's a calm feeling – being at ease and relaxed about things, even things like a Saturday night home alone with a steak, glass of wine and a DVD (which previously would have driven me to the depths of despair). Sometimes it's a feeling that's brim-full of anticipation of what's to come. Sometimes it's a feeling of immense gratitude for how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by loving family and friends and to be able to live the life I'm living. Sometimes it's a heart-bursting feeling of love for said family and friends. It varies from day-to-day but whatever it is, it's overwhelmingly positive. Every week in our team meeting at work we write down our scores out of ten for the following areas of our life: personal, family, organisation and peers. In recent weeks my average scores are probably 9-10 across the board. My colleagues think I'm crazy and are waiting for the bubble to burst, but thankfully so far it hasn't.

Today I think I identified what I'm feeling. I think I'm feeling happy again. That incredible lightness of being that I maybe haven't been able to experience fully since T died. Yes, there's been happy moments during the past two and a half years, and slowly but surely I learnt to smile and enjoy life again. But I think I was still being constantly dragged backwards by my grief during these moments. Now (well today anyway and that, afterall, is all we have), I don't feel the backwards pull of that grief on a daily basis. I look forward much more than I look back. I rarely cry and I embrace the time I have on my own. I enjoy being able to do what I want to do, when and with whom I want to do it. My anxiety has gone for the most part. I worry far less about things that would have consumed me in the past, even before T died. (On New Year's Day, for example, I went horse riding without a hard hat as there wasn't a hard hat to wear. Before, I may well have refused to ride without a hat, but I didn't give it a second thought. The same with my scooter riding last summer.). I feel liberated and more confident and more like me than I maybe ever have in my life. And I love it!

I had the best Christmas: spending time with some of T's family and my own, and celebrating the first birthday of my gorgeous nephew. It was so nice to escape London and breathe in the fresh air of the NE and just have some quality family time. I also visited T's grave, which I haven't done for a long long time. I was worried about going. Aside from reliving the awful awful details of the day of T's accident (I think I will forever struggle with hospitals), thinking of T's body in the ground is another thing I don't cope very well with, understandably. But I'm pleased I went. When I visit T, I talk to him and tell him what I've been up to, even though I know he somehow knows. I told him all about my very enjoyable and very drunken weekend at the start of December with my bestest friend, Graeme. I told T the latest about his family, and mine. I told him about my summer and my friends – old and new. I told him about what I might do this coming year. I told him I missed him and that I will love him forever and ever.

After Christmas I flew to Nice and spent a lovely few days in Italy with my Italian friends. We had a big night out in Monaco on Thursday night, which was great fun (paying €52 for three drinks in one bar wasn't quite as much fun, however.) Friday was lunch in Monaco in the sunshine, followed by a lovely night out in Genova – dinner with friends then to our favourite bar in the old town. Then on Saturday we drove to Tuscany and stayed in a small agriturismo in the hills. It was so peaceful and chilled out. We had lunch in a village in the mountains that's famous for both its marble and its lardo (very thin slices of fat, cured with rosemary and other herbs between slabs of marble). The marble makes the mountains look like they're covered in snow. It was fascinating. NYE itself was spent in the farmhouse, eating! We sat at communal tables and shared the most delicious homemade rustic cooking. The meal lasted for about 2.5 hours, with the mains finishing at around 11.30pm, just in time for some midnight champagne toasts before dessert was brought out! It was really special and my kind of celebration. After some dancing we walked through the star-lit forest to a viewpoint and admired the lights of the plain below, which was reminiscent of Los Angeles, not that I've ever been. The vast quantities of food on NYE meant I wasn't an inebriated as I might otherwise have been, so I was able to enjoy a horse ride through the forest the following day, before another big meal at the farmhouse. It was the most perfect start to the new year.

Who knows what this year will bring. All I do know is that I'm starting it with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. And, as always, I'm so very grateful to T for being my inspiration. I wouldn't be where I am without him, or the support of my family and friends. So big love to you all, and to all a very healthy, happy, fun-filled 2012.