Sitting on my husband's death bed - literally, saying my painful goodbyes to him at the hospital and later at the funeral home, arranging and attending my poor 33-year-old husband's funeral, going to his inquest, attending a probate court and now, finally, commissioning a headstone. All things that appear on my list of impossible, incomprehensible, won't happen to us/me, couldn't cope even if it did happen, list of things I never ever dreamt I'd be doing by the age of 38 (just!).
The headstone has been challenging. It's been on my list of things to do for years. Almost six in fact. I beat myself up about that for a while. But accepted that I had to do it when I was ready. During that time I've done lots of thinking, had some life coaching to help with that thinking, sought advice and opinion from family and friends, done some headstone research (how odd it is to write that), stalled, delayed, procrastinated and now finally feel ready to do this.
Life coaching helped me acknowledge that I wanted T's headstone to be a tribute to the beautiful, amazing, incredible, loving, caring man who was my husband. A carefully-crafted stone proudly bearing his name and commemorating his life for all who visit to see. A reflection of the love I will always have for him, and a lasting tribute to the life of this son, brother, uncle, son-in-law, brother-in-law, colleague, friend, lover and husband who touched the lives of many. His grave is a small physical space for someone who left such a big gaping hole in the lives of the people who loved him, so the headstone needs to symbolise that love to the outside world. It needs to reflect T's strength of character and it needs to stand proud against the elements, watching over him when I can't be there to do so, which is often.
I have settled on using Lakeland slate, mainly because of T's connection to the Lakes. I introduced him to the Lake District in 1998 - a 21st birthday present - and he fell in love with the place. We returned several times in the intervening years and it's also where he chose to propose to me back in 2005. Definitely a special place for both of us. And I've chosen to commission a stonemason to craft T's headstone; a talented artist who is dedicated to his craft. I visited his workshop to see and touch his work, which was really important to me, and I know he's the right person for this job. Between us we'll do T proud and that makes me feel good.
I know there are still Headstone Hurdles ahead of me. I know that seeing the final stone - first in the workshop then at T's grave - will make it all very permanent and real and bring everything flooding back. (How how how can my gorgeous, young husband be in a grave right now, as I type in our flat, our home? How can that be? I need to go and get him out of there, bring him home, pick up where we left off...) But I also know that from then on, whenever I visit T's grave, I'll see a physical tribute to the person who was T and all he represented and I'll be proud. Happy and sad all at once, but proud of my beloved husband.
The headstone has been challenging. It's been on my list of things to do for years. Almost six in fact. I beat myself up about that for a while. But accepted that I had to do it when I was ready. During that time I've done lots of thinking, had some life coaching to help with that thinking, sought advice and opinion from family and friends, done some headstone research (how odd it is to write that), stalled, delayed, procrastinated and now finally feel ready to do this.
Life coaching helped me acknowledge that I wanted T's headstone to be a tribute to the beautiful, amazing, incredible, loving, caring man who was my husband. A carefully-crafted stone proudly bearing his name and commemorating his life for all who visit to see. A reflection of the love I will always have for him, and a lasting tribute to the life of this son, brother, uncle, son-in-law, brother-in-law, colleague, friend, lover and husband who touched the lives of many. His grave is a small physical space for someone who left such a big gaping hole in the lives of the people who loved him, so the headstone needs to symbolise that love to the outside world. It needs to reflect T's strength of character and it needs to stand proud against the elements, watching over him when I can't be there to do so, which is often.
I have settled on using Lakeland slate, mainly because of T's connection to the Lakes. I introduced him to the Lake District in 1998 - a 21st birthday present - and he fell in love with the place. We returned several times in the intervening years and it's also where he chose to propose to me back in 2005. Definitely a special place for both of us. And I've chosen to commission a stonemason to craft T's headstone; a talented artist who is dedicated to his craft. I visited his workshop to see and touch his work, which was really important to me, and I know he's the right person for this job. Between us we'll do T proud and that makes me feel good.
I know there are still Headstone Hurdles ahead of me. I know that seeing the final stone - first in the workshop then at T's grave - will make it all very permanent and real and bring everything flooding back. (How how how can my gorgeous, young husband be in a grave right now, as I type in our flat, our home? How can that be? I need to go and get him out of there, bring him home, pick up where we left off...) But I also know that from then on, whenever I visit T's grave, I'll see a physical tribute to the person who was T and all he represented and I'll be proud. Happy and sad all at once, but proud of my beloved husband.
