I did it

I'm safely back in Wellington after a month on the road and I think the enormity of what I've done has finally hit me. I don't quite know how I've managed, but managed I have. It's interesting re-reading my first few posts with the hindsight I've now got. As I was taught at uni, I'll go back to the intro in this, the NZ conclusion and summarise my findings:

- I'm so pleased I escaped my UK life when I did. If I'd left it later maybe it would have been even more difficult. It's been good not to have much thinking time. I thought I'd have had a lot more. I talked a lot with my counsellor about that, but in the event I was worrying unnecessarily. The days have been pretty chocka with loads of distractions and I've been constantly surrounded by people. I think I'll have more of that quiet time in Melbourne when I can do more thinking. It's done me good to escape the relative safety of my flat. I don't worry about the material things that I've left behind as much as I thought I would. To some extent I've put what's happened in a box and have been trying to keep the lid from popping open. Occasionally it does. Often I force it back down before it opens fully. Sometimes I lock the box so that it can't be opened. Maybe that's a good thing and maybe it's not. But it's the reality of today. It might be different tomorrow. I've got to live more in the moment.

- I miss family and friends but I also feel that I've been able to be on my own here without feeling that people are worrying about me all the time. The phone doesn't ring. People can't come and see me and cook for me and look after me. Some people on the trip didn't know my story. They just knew me for who I was and treated me as a 'normal' person. I don't mean that to come across in the wrong way. Believe me, I wouldn't have got through the past few months without those good people at home taking care of me and I know I'll need their love and support in the future, but you do start feeling like a bit of a burden whether you want to or not. I don't want anyone to read anything into that. It's hard to articulate exactly what I mean but I think I mean that I've got some very private space here to think and do what I need to think and do when I need to think and do it. Although, as I just said, I haven't really had any proper downtime yet. I haven't felt homesick. I feel T sick regularly but not homesick. I kind of feel like I don't have a home anymore. I've missed individuals but not my life or particular foods or televisions programmes or anything of that ilk. I've felt 110% better about everything than I expected to feel. That's a significant thing. But I acknowledge that I couldn't have done it without Laura's support. She's been my rock while I've been here. I feel lucky to have had that and can't thank her enough. For everything. 

- The long flights on my own don't concern me anymore. I did a skydive. How can a long flight phase me? You just need to alleviate the boredom. It's a means of getting from A to B. I don't think I had that perspective before. As I've said before, business class helps. Tomorrow I fly economy. But I've got Janelle waiting at the other side for me. And it's only a 4 hour flight so I can't really complain.

- I still can't begin to think about coming back in May. I don't want to think about it. I'm still trying to live for today and hope I'm making some progress on that front.

- I heart NZ. I really really do. It's been kind to me. It feels like the right place to have come. T would have absolutely loved it. I've seen some pretty amazing places and done some pretty amazing things. I will be back.

- How can I have been worried about sleeping in a tent for a month? Or someone getting me in the night? Or sleeping in shared dorm? What a waste of time. I can also now use most toilets. That's quite a personal achievement. Funny how you sweat the small stuff. I did a bloody skydive. I still can't get over that.

- The people I've met along the way have really helped. Even if they didn't know they were helping. They did stop me being alone. There were fewer horrors in the group than I imagined. And the horrors there were provided a talking point and some entertainment so I'm grateful to them for that. I've made friends that I'll keep in touch with and some that I will likely see again. It's good to have people to reminisce with, even remotely. We shared some real highs. We had a laugh. I've actually done lots of proper clutching your sides laughing. That felt good.

Only two people asked my directly if I was married as a result of seeing my wedding ring. Others clearly noticed it but didn't ask. Others still knew that I'd done stuff in the past with my husband but didn't ask where he was now. One girl made a point of talking to me about T on more than one occasion. I'm grateful to her for that. Before the trip I had visions of me breaking down in tears as my story came out during an ice-breaker or similar and I discussed this at length with my counsellor. That didn't happen. Another waste of time. In lots of ways it was a relief to tell people. And to know that I could speak to those people if I needed to. I'm grateful to them for listening. I know it's a bit of a conversation stopper and can't have been easy for them.

- My budget has gone out the window. I'm trying to follow my wise sister's advice and have no regrets about anything. I'm not being frivolous but if I want to do something then I do it, regardless of money. That's kind of liberating for me. And has meant for some great experiences. Definitely no regrets.

- I'm over the moon to have been able to be part of Laura's life here in Wellington for a short time. Even our New World supermarket trips were fun. I'll miss Laura. And I'll miss Wellington. I feel so at home here. Laura has given me plenty of space, the run of her home, lifts everywhere, great food and lots of drink. I'm lucky to count her as my friend and have two wishes. One, that I can return the favour in the UK one day. Not just a London visit but a bit of a tour of my country and where I grew up. I think she would like Northumberland. And two, that she'll have me back. Sooner rather than later. That said, I'm really looking forward to getting to Melbourne. I can't wait to see little Paatschy and my old school friend, Chris. Two more friendly faces that I know will help me feel at home in their city and make the next leg of my journey that little bit more bearable.