Biting bullets

So, I've applied to VSO. That's Voluntary Service Overseas - they focus on placing professionals with transferrable skills throughout the developing world. Placements usual last for 1-2 years. I've got through the initial registration process and have been invited to attend an Assessment Day, date TBC. It's pretty exciting stuff. Scary too (although as I'm trying to live more for the moment I shouldn't really say that).

Half of me feels really comfortable with the life I've now got. I really love being in my little flat, seeing friends and family, running, reading, watching films etc etc. I'm learning to enjoy my own company. Something I've never had to do before. The other half is anxious to escape that life - to do something meaningful, worthwhile, different, exciting. Away from mortgages and babies and things that no longer mean what they once meant to me, or at least that I hoped would one day soon mean something to me. That's not to say I wouldn't miss friends, family and babies - I would, terribly - but I feel I no longer fit in to that part of life. I can't empathise, have no baby stories or hand-me-downs to share, don't know what it feels like to be pregnant, or a mum and don't even have a date to accompany me to social events. Right now, I can't see when that will change. It may, one day, but not right now. Which kind of leads me to believe that I need to forge a new life for myself. One where I do fit in. And where I'm able to just be me.

I've gone from being one of two people to being just one. That means I can pretty much do what I want, when I want. Again, that's got its pros and its cons, but I really believe it's a unique opportunity that shouldn't be passed up. I've developed a real lust for life since T died. I want to try new things, push myself out of my comfort zone in order to learn and develop and enjoy life, and really make the most of the relatively short time I've got on this planet. I want to be able to look back on my life and be proud of and happy with what I've achieved. I don't want there to be any regrets or what ifs. I don't know that I can say that for each and every one of the past 33 years, but I've got the ability to change that for the years ahead.

I think if I took the easy option of staying here and plodding along in mainstream life, I may have regrets. I think I would be unfulfilled. I think I would have missed an opportunity. With VSO, I've got the chance to help other people who are less fortunate than I am in many ways, I've got a chance to meet new people and experience a new culture, I've got a chance to have a bit of an adventure while still gaining relevant and valuable work experience and being paid expenses to do so. I know it won't all be plain sailing and that it'll be completely different to the trip I made earlier this year when I was surrounded by friends. I'll have to adjust to being completely alone in a new and developing country. I'll have to make new friends. I'll have to get used to a new culture, customs and probably diet. I'll be a long way from home (read: family, friends, familiar surroundings). But if they're the worst things I have to deal with then I think I'll be OK. I keep reminding myself that I've been through the unthinkable and have come out the other side - a bit battle-scarred and war-weary, but I've made it out alive. Compared to that, VSO will be a walk in the park. Something to be embraced and enjoyed. Another new challenge. Just need to get through Assessment Day first...