Banishing gremlins

A very strange thing has happened since I finished work on Friday. Something I hadn't expected and was therefore quite unprepared for. My anxiety has returned. Back are the disturbed sleeps; that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach; the shallower breathing; the I could freak out right here on this crowded tube feeling; the oh my god here I am in the City where T used to work; the over-analysing (and I mean more than usual - I know it's a really bad habit of mine); the stressing about everything; the dream that T returned after a period of absence (like he'd been away at war or something) that made me wake up crying in the middle of the night. That kinda thing. It's horrid. I haven't felt like that while I've been working. But I didn't notice those feelings had gone until they came back this week. Funny how the subconscious works, innit?

There was I thinking I'd be breathing a big sigh of relief to have finally finished work, but instead I'm getting familiar, but long ago buried, thoughts popping into my head: What's my purpose in life? Who am I if I don't work? What the hell am I gonna do with my life? I'm only in this situation because T died. I miss T. I'd prefer not to be in this situation and have T here with me... A good friend counselled me well. Told me to think of this as a minor blip; I've had them before and I'll have them again. Told me to not let myself retreat to those dark places in my head. Reminded me that I'm strong and capable and don't need to succumb again. Which is exactly what my counsellor, the wonderful Sheila the Healer, would have said. It helped. A lot.

The other thing that I'm 99.99% sure will cure me, is my escape to Italy and France. I'm off tomorrow to visit someone I've known for 15 years but haven't seen for 14. We've kept in regular contact over the years and have always got on amazingly well. So I'm really excited about that, and know that there's a high probability that I will feel like I've found another place to retreat, away from the gremlins and with someone who will look out for me. I love those places and those spaces that I've found on my journey. They are important to me and always seem to come along just when I need them. (I'm also slightly stressed about the whole situation too, but I need to take some of my own advice and stop worrying about tomorrow!) I'm then joining my parents for a week in France. I'm going to swim every day. Maybe even run too. I'm going to drink amazing red wine. Eat delicious cheese. And bread. And duck. And pastries. I'm going to switch my brain off and take a deep breath and RELAX. I don't think I've done that for a while. And I can't wait.