Paradise lost and found again

Hello. It's been a while. Sorry about that. To say I've had a rollercoaster of a fortnight would be a gross exaggeration, but I've been a wee bit up and down. The good news is that now I'm back on the up for now. I think maybe my lonely and very basic living arrangements, combined with feeling a bit unsettled and uncertain about the future (even though I'm meant to be living each day at a time...) and missing my family and friends, plus maybe the after effects of T's anniversary and the highs (all natural, of course!) of my weekends in Italy contrasted with the lows of my return to 'normal' (ie solitary) life on a Monday, all contributed to the low. But as my trusty counsellor, Sheila the Healer, would have told me - these things are like a spiral. You know there are going to be lows, but equally you know that the highs will return and you have to hold on to that.

Anyway, I can't remember when I last posted, but I'm now a qualified TEFL teacher - yay! I've also said goodbye to some good friends from the course. Taught 12.25 hours last week (after which my student gave me a thank you present!) and two hours this week. I've been to Renoir's house, which I really enjoyed, and to a lovely little hilltop village near here, where me and a friend from the course watched the sun set over the mountains while eating pizza and drinking one too many beers at Le Jimmys. I had a friend of a friend to stay for a couple of nights one weekend and had a lovely time doing the tourist thing in Nice with her, something I've not done since I've been here. I loved the modern art museum and eating socca again for the first time in about seven years. (And hello Clare if you're reading - hope your last few days in Marseille are going well!). I also did lots of thinking and last week going past the airport on the train, I decided I'd had enough, that I was no longer happy and that I would head back to the UK after my parents' visit next month. Life's too short not to be happy. Even in this semi-paradise. Then, last Friday, I went to Italy and the upward spiral started afresh.

Yesterday, I think I officially fell in love with Italy. When I fell in love with NZ, it was pretty instant. With Italy, I fully expected to fall in love with it from day one (I'm thinking food, drink, weather, sea, countryside etc) and have certainly had a ball visiting it every weekend, but until yesterday it hadn't quite clicked. Yesterday it did, and I was cycling through a 1100m dank, gloomy tunnel at the time; hardly what you'd expect! I can't remember if I mentioned watching the film, 'Eat Pray Love' recently? Sometimes when I'm in Italy I feel a bit like I'm in a film and I love the place.

Anyway, in chronological order, I arrived in Italy last Friday. Chri and I went for a run along the old railway beside the Med. It was stunning. We got back, sweaty and hungry, and shortly after doing our stretches, Massimo the chef arrived from Genova with Elvira. Result! But I hardly had time for a shower before I was summoned to the kitchen to assume my sous-chef duties. These lessons have been christened ACL - Advanced Cookery Lessons - I was told at the weekend that I've got one more ACL next weekend then I've got a test (ie cooking request dishes for a group of people, on my own apparently!), if I pass I get a diploma. It's all getting a bit serious. On the menu on Friday was stuffed squid! (I've never cooked squid before so pardon the lack of technical terms.) First we chopped the fin(?) and tentacley bits off. They were chopped up small with parsley, salt, pepper, onion, capers, maybe breadcrumbs, maybe garlic, I can't quite remember. We then stuffed this mixture into the squid and they were eventually cooked like the stuffed lettuce leaves, in a mixture of oil and water, this time with beet leaves from Massimo's garden and olives. Maybe tomatoes too. For the primi course, we coated fresh anchovies in flour and fried them. They were served alongside fresh anchovy fillets that had been marinated in lemon juice and maybe some parsley too. Yummier than they sound. After dinner, Chri disappeared unexpectedly on his scooter and came back with gelati - even yummier, and a great way to end the meal. We had such a laugh! When the onion chopping made Massimo cry, Elvira produced a diving mask and Massimo proceeded to cook wearing a pinny and the mask! We'd been joined for dinner by our mate, O's sister-in-law, Daniela. She, for various reasons, was a bit the worse for wear and began prancing round the room saying she was a ballerina. She clearly isn't! She also taught me the Italian for raspberry when she raved on and on about the 'lampone' ice-cream. Repetition is definitely a good learning/teaching technique! It was nice to have a smile back on my face and to feel relaxed and included and part of a group. I think that sense of belonging is something I really need.

On Saturday we headed into the mountains, something we've not done since I've been there. It was beautiful and I loved it up there. Monday was a bank holiday in Italy, feragosto, so we checked out several restaurants en route, with the aim of booking one for lunch on Monday. We stopped in a nice little town called Badalucco for lunch (charcuterie, cheeses, caprese salad and a glass of red wine = heaven), and a walk. It was nice to get some fresh air and stretch my legs, rather than just sitting on the beach all day. On Saturday night we went for Aperol ginger ale (you HAVE to try it Lynn!) on the seafront near Chri's, then headed into Sanremo for some livelier action. When we got home Elvi and I disgusted the boys by sharing a bowl of All Bran (they called it rabbit food), while they made midnight pasta. I made an almost fatal error when I said to Elvira that the rabbit food was better than pasta. Not the thing to say in front of two Italian boys who like their food, or maybe any Italian for that matter!

Sunday was beach day. We were joined by a more sober Daniela and spent the day in and out of the water. We also had several really good games of table football - Chri and I managed to win every game despite my lack of skill on the fussball table. At the end of day Chri, Elvi and I went for a run along the old railway line, finished with a dip in the sea. It was absolute bliss! If only every run could end that way. We went into Sanremo in the evening as there was a big firework display. I had an awful 40 minutes or so when Chri and Daniela hadn't appeared on the scooter and Chri wasn't answering his phone. The three of us waited for them, walked round the block as Massimo said he couldn't just stay waiting there and we still hadn't heard. My mind went into absolute overdrive and lots of those old feelings started coming back. I couldn't cope if I had to go through all of that again with two people I know. I just couldn't. Fortunately Chri eventually got hold of Massimo, telling him he'd been calling his own phone for ages that he thought was in my bag, so having a go at me for not answering it. Turns out it wasn't; he'd left it at home. So we both vented our emotions and there was lots of Italian-style gesticulating going on (I've adopted some of that in times of need!) but the main thing was that everyone was A-OK. Phew.

Monday was immense. Daniela came in her car and we drove up into the mountains again. We went for another walk then to the democratically chosen restaurant for lunch. A mushroom restaurant!! It was one of those typical Italian places where there's no menu. They just keep bringing more and more food, normally serving you a spoonful from a big serving dish that they take from table to table, more like being at someone's house. We had two kinds of raw mushroom salad - one with salsiccia and one with parmesan. Then mushroom frittata. Mushroom gratin dauphinois. Mushroom risotto. Mushroom tagliatelle. Mushrooms and melted cheese. Chilled ricotta with finely chopped spring onions (and not a mushroom in sight for once!). And that was just the primi. Secondi was lamb chops with mushrooms fried in breadcrumbs and some sort of warm mushroom dish. And in case you didn't know, I don't like bloody shrooms! I have to say I did very well considering. We finished off with homemade tiramisu served in old-fashioned potties for some reason, and a liquorice digestif. Then we went to the river and lay on the beach and tried to sleep it off. Although even seasoned mushroom eaters can have too many, I think; none of us slept well that night. After a little siesta by the river I suddenly went a bit hyperactive and went swimming four or five times, clambering over the boulders, up river, down river, back in the river. I blame the shrooms - maybe they were a bit magic? Massi and Elivera left for Genova that evening and Chri and I collapsed on the sofa to watch 'Sleepers' (good film).

Chri was back at work on Tuesday so I did some cleaning and then took myself off to the beach. The weather has been perfect this week - better than it's been for a while. I made stuffed peppers with couscous, chorizo and feta for dinner, with salad. Massimo had texted to ask what I was going to cook for his hungry friend that evening - they like to put the pressure on! Neither of us felt like eating much, but it did get the thumbs up.  I think we were just relieved to eat something normal and light. That evening we watched another good film, Blow, that I'd not seen before. Yesterday I hired a bike and cycled along the old railway line to the next biggest town, Imperia. It was amazing! There weren't many people around and the sea was absolutely beautiful - crystal clear and turquoise blue. I was on my own, but active and with a purpose. I found myself whistling away and it was then that I had my eureka moment with Italy. I realised I felt completely happy. I was really living in the moment and although I wasn't doing anything radical, it was great! I wandered round Imperia, had lunch in a cafe then took myself back along the coast to Arma. We went for a long swim out to a buoy when Chri got back from work with the sun setting over the mountains and a deserted beach. If only more people could end their working day like that, the world might be a happier place. Tea last night was chicken, bacon and avocado salad followed by a hot shower for the first time since Sat as Chri's boiler had packed in. Happy days.

Today Chri and I caught the train in to Monaco/Nice together and I taught for two hours this morning. My student was coughing and spluttering all over me, so I've been popping the vitamins since I got back. I've been cleaning and packing this afternoon as I'm moving out of solitary confinement this weekend. Thank the lord. I'm heading back to Italy tomorrow to help Chri move to Nice on Saturday and at the same time, I'll move into the apartment of one of the guys on my course for a week or so. It will be good to be in town at long last. I think we'll spend one last night in Italy on Saturday then go to the beach on Sunday. Next week I'm going to meet up with a French girl, Alice, who I met while in NZ last year. She's going to be in Cannes on holiday, so I'm really looking forward to that reunion. Then on Friday we're off to Genova for the final ACL at Massimo's house. Apparently it's on a hillside up a dirt track and I know he's got a garden - sounds idyllic! I've been invited to stay on into next week so I'll see how it goes and whether Genova hooks me in and makes me want to explore it more. (Chri is only a little bit upset that he's got to go back to work on Monday. He's also a little bit upset that when the three of them come to London in October, Massimo and Elvira are staying on until Monday while he's got to go back to Nice on Sunday, ready for work on Monday. I think he's worried that I'm stealing his mates and that we might have fun without him. Perish the thought!)

So who knows what the future holds, when I'll be back in the UK for a visit or more permanently? I just know that while I'm feeling so far away from my family and friends and missing them incredibly, I've been fortunate to have made some new friends, as well as renewing a very old friendship. These people have helped me rediscover my raison d'etre and reminded me why I'm here, where the sun shines and the sea is blue. For today, that's enough. But it doesn't stop me from missing you all. Big love xx

PS I'll try and add some pics soon