Living the dream, at last!

After a week of updating my various CVs and trying to decide what I want to do in the short term, today I decided to just start living the dream (which I've been doing at weekends, but not during the week) and making the most of my time here in the sunshine. I dropped my CV off at a language school this morning, had a coffee in the sunshine, then came home and did some chores before walking to the port and catching a 1€ bus along to Eze Village, a tiny little village up in the hills above the Mediterranean. I haven't really explored the Riviera, so it was nice to be out and about enjoying the weather and the scenery. I'd made a sandwich so I sat and had that then wandered round the village. There's several art galleries, a few restaurants, a church and two very posh hotels. In one of them, a burger costs 55€. That's 55€. Just think about that for a minute. Two people, two burgers = £100, give or take. Without drinks. That beggars belief. The club sandwich was 40€. A coffee was 7€. For a simple espresso. Now I don't mind paying for good food, but I don't think I could justify those prices. Nor do I believe the quality of that coffee or that burger, even combined with the view, can justify those prices. (But I am going to add it to my wishlist of places to stay when I win the lottery!)

The village is small, so I'd soon finished my little tour and decided to go round once more in case I'd missed anything. I took a slightly different route and discovered the church, so I sat in there for a long while, mostly with my eyes closed, just thinking and relaxing and being. It felt good. It was an interesting church, filled with some quirky religious pictures and in need of a lick of paint in parts, but that only added to its charm. I wandered round the cemetery, observing how the Europeans have a penchant for putting pictures of the deceased on their grave stones. It's quite a nice idea as then you can picture the person, whether you knew them or not. I'm conscious that I haven't yet sorted out a headstone for T. I'm not stressed about it as it doesn't matter when it gets done, but I'm aware that I need to do it at some point. One of my problems is that I've got used to the grave as it is and while I know I need to get a headstone, it will be another little challenge for me to change how it's been for the past two years (say that quickly; I don't know how it can be two years). Another is deciding what the headstone should be like and choosing the words. Anyway, that's tomorrow's problem...

Passing the second most expensive hotel, Chateau Eza, for a second time, I decided on a whim to take myself in there and have a drink on my lonesome. I contemplated having the cheapest drink on the menu - a coffee or a beer - but decided that life was for living so I chose the drink I wanted, which at that moment in time was a campari and soda. So I sat on the terrasse and sipped my campari in the sunshine. And it felt really really good. I felt confident and content, even though I was on my own and in full view of a loved-up couple sipping champagne and sharing kisses. I was just dressed normally but didn't feel self-conscious. I just enjoyed the moment for what it was and I'm so pleased I did. It did me good. Had I gone to India as originally planned, I would have spent my time exploring and enjoying the time there but here I seem to have got sucked in to just living and not experiencing, and I know that when I'm back in the UK I'll regret not having made more of my time here, so from today I'm going to do just that.

Refreshed and relaxed, I then went to another hotel on an errand for Chri, only the hotel wasn't where he thought it was and I ended up on an unscheduled 4km round trip in the heat. Nevermind, I like having a purpose so I was on a bit of a mission and the views were spectacular. It also gave me plenty of opportunities to practice my Italian cursing! I made it back to Eze Village, changed into my trainers and took the Chemin de Nietzsche (he used to visit the Riviera regularly and this was the path he took to and from the village apparently), a twisty turny path through the olive trees to Eze-sur-Mer, some 1300ft below. It was lovely, and nice to do a proper walk in the countryside. It reminded me a lot of Corsica and I know T would have enjoyed the walk. That made me enjoy it even more.

I arrived at the coast, hot and bothered and ready for a swim, but the waves were too big for me to brave so I caught the train back towards Nice, thinking I'd have a swim or a run when I got back. But as the train pulled into Villefranche and I saw that there were no waves there, I took a detour and went for a swim there instead. I couldn't resist. Chri joined me on his way back from Monaco but didn't have his swimming stuff so he sat on the beach in his suit, cursing his lack of bathers while I rubbed salt in the wound and had a second swim. We took the scenic route back to Nice and saw the city spread out below us and I made sure I appreciated that view too, rather than just taking Nice for granted.

I'm now sat on the balcony in as few clothes as possible as it's hot, contemplating packing my bags yet again. I have to move out of here this weekend and in with Chri, which isn't ideal as his new apartment isn't as big as his Italian one, but I'm not going to be there that much and he'll be out at work during the day, so hopefully it will work out. My wise mate, GB, pointed out recently that for a control freak like me, it's actually a minor miracle that I haven't had any concrete living arrangements in place during the whole time I've been here. I'm literally just going with the flow and it's working out and, importantly, I'm not freaking out. I tried articulating to him that it's amazing to think that after every chapter of my journey in time After T, I think I've got to my final emotional destination, only to find at the end of the next chapter I've moved on in even more leaps and bounds. Who'd have thought I'd be hopping on and off the back of scooters every day without stressing about it. T would be truly amazed by that and I'm really really pleased to have experienced something of the pleasure he got from his bike. Or not knowing where I'm going to be sleeping from one week to the next. I feel somewhat liberated from my old anxieties and think that I am living more in the moment. And it does feel good. I'm not cured, and never will be, because that's what makes me me, but I'm living a very different life here. I sometimes wish I could turn back time (OK, well I wish that all the time but you know what I mean) and be able to live my new life with T. It would be such a different life and really nice to be able to share more of T's many passions with him. I'm sorry I couldn't do that while he was still here. But maybe his death was necessary in part to help me get over my anxieties. He's liberated me. What a gift.

The weather forecast for the weekend isn't great, but we're hoping it's going to be nice enough to go running earlyish, then to the beach, but that might be wishful thinking. We're meant to be going to Monaco tomorrow night to have dinner with Alle, one of Chri's mates who I've met a couple of times and get on really well with, and will probably stay the night there. It's meant to be heavy rain on Sunday, which is a right bummer as Alle had free passes for us for the Meridian hotel pool (I know, I'm a total lush!), but if that's not possible we'll probably head into Provence in Alle's massive 4WD. I have to get a photo of him and his vehicle as he is tiny - much smaller than me, but drives the biggest car of anyone I know!

Right, off to do some packing before bed. Happy weekends one and all. Miss you lots xxxx

Chateau Eza - http://www.chateaueza.com/