I think about T every single day; not one day goes by that I don't. Yesterday, the third anniversary of T's fatal accident, and today, the third anniversary of his death, have prompted more thoughts than usual, but I think my thoughts around the time of these anniversaries are more destructive than on other days of the year. I find myself reliving those terrible days: thinking that this time three years ago T was alive and we were all going about our lives as usual; that this time three years ago I received the call from the hospital; that this time three years ago I didn't know that T's accident was fatal; that this time three years ago I spent my last night with my beautiful husband; that this time three years ago I somehow said my last goodbyes; that this time three years ago I was taken back to the house we shared and how very little I remember about what happened after that. On other days, my thoughts are generally more positive. I remember T's smile. I remember his love for me, and mine for him. I give thanks to him for the life I'm now living in his memory. I speak to him; I tell him things I want him to know. I remember happy times with him.
But despite this, the third anniversary of T's death has been okay. It's almost been and gone and, once again, I've survived. I haven't done anything specific, I've had a quiet couple of days alone with my thoughts. I fought the urge to succumb to the destructive thoughts yesterday and, although it felt a bit like I was burying my head in the sand, I think it was the right thing to do. I half wish there was someone here who knew T, who could help me mark the occasion in some way, but it's okay that there's not. I'm grateful to my mum, dad, sister and nephew for visiting T at the weekend and yesterday and leaving him some flowers. I don't like to think of him on his own. I'm also grateful to my lovely friends and relatives for the messages I've received. I really believe that the strength of the thoughts for T over the past couple of days can only be a positive and powerful thing.
Today I'm also remembering the people who received some of T's organs; those people who were given another chance of life thanks to T. Only one organ recipient has contacted me so far. I'd like to think that one day I'll hear from some of the others, but that's up to them. I assume they'll be offering their own thanks to T and his family today, a third anniversary for them too.
I think this year's anniversary officially marks a turning point for me. It's taken me a long time, but I feel completely happy again. You don't believe it when people tell you that one day you'll be happy again, but now I believe it. Yes, you never forget. Never ever. But you do start living again. Living happy. The pain of the loss makes you stronger. Makes you braver. Makes you grateful. Opens your eyes to life and how best to live it. I feel I'm living my life to the best of my ability right now.
Now I'm going to raise a glass to T. To the wonderful person he was. To the happy memories I have of our thirteen years together. To the life I'm now living in his memory. I love you T. Always.
But despite this, the third anniversary of T's death has been okay. It's almost been and gone and, once again, I've survived. I haven't done anything specific, I've had a quiet couple of days alone with my thoughts. I fought the urge to succumb to the destructive thoughts yesterday and, although it felt a bit like I was burying my head in the sand, I think it was the right thing to do. I half wish there was someone here who knew T, who could help me mark the occasion in some way, but it's okay that there's not. I'm grateful to my mum, dad, sister and nephew for visiting T at the weekend and yesterday and leaving him some flowers. I don't like to think of him on his own. I'm also grateful to my lovely friends and relatives for the messages I've received. I really believe that the strength of the thoughts for T over the past couple of days can only be a positive and powerful thing.
Today I'm also remembering the people who received some of T's organs; those people who were given another chance of life thanks to T. Only one organ recipient has contacted me so far. I'd like to think that one day I'll hear from some of the others, but that's up to them. I assume they'll be offering their own thanks to T and his family today, a third anniversary for them too.
I think this year's anniversary officially marks a turning point for me. It's taken me a long time, but I feel completely happy again. You don't believe it when people tell you that one day you'll be happy again, but now I believe it. Yes, you never forget. Never ever. But you do start living again. Living happy. The pain of the loss makes you stronger. Makes you braver. Makes you grateful. Opens your eyes to life and how best to live it. I feel I'm living my life to the best of my ability right now.
Now I'm going to raise a glass to T. To the wonderful person he was. To the happy memories I have of our thirteen years together. To the life I'm now living in his memory. I love you T. Always.
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