Always remembering

I can't believe it's almost been a whole entire year since I last saw T. That this time last year we were just going about our lives as normal, completely unaware of what was about to unfold. I wish that I'd answered my phone when it rang while I was at work on 30th July - that I'd taken the call from T and had been able to tell him one last time that I loved him. I wish that he had answered his phone when I tried calling him that morning. I wish that T had broken every bone in his body that day and was now making a good recovery. I wish that I was the mother of T's children. I wish that T was here to watch out for me, to love me and hold me and be with me forever more. I miss the foot massages he gave me while we watched a dvd. I miss the meals we used to cook for each other - a course each (and it had to be a surprise and a dish we'd never made before). I miss the random bunches of flowers he'd buy me on his way home from work. I miss his nagging - about anything and everything. I miss our chats and our planning and our social life. I miss his motivation and his enthusiasm. I miss his love for me and I miss loving him back. I miss getting uncontrollable giggles when we were trying to get to sleep. I miss his music and I miss his motorbike. I even miss his moans about work and his CISCO revision. What I miss most of all I just can't put into words. I just miss T and all that that entails.

I'm going to France tomorrow to lie low for a few days. I'll be well looked after by one of our very good friends and on Friday, weather permitting, I'm hoping to send at least one sky lantern into the night sky in memory of my T. I know that sky lanterns will also be released from a beach in Northumberland and a hillside in Hertfordshire. Small but significant gestures of remembrance.

As well as remembering T, I'll also be remembering the people who battled to save T's life almost a year ago. The paramedics who attended the crash scene within minutes and restarted T's heart. The A&E nurses at the hospital, and one in particular who I formed a bond with that evening. The rest of the medical staff at the hospital who took care of T as best they could. T's transplant nurses who worked through the night to ensure T could donate as many of his organs as possible and who have been there for me over the past 12 months. I'll also be remembering the friends and family who supported me at the hospital that night and those who have been there for me this past year. And I'll also be thinking about the transplant recipients who, a year ago, had life-saving operations thanks to T's generosity.

May you rest in peace my beautiful boy. I'll love you forever more.