This may turn into one of those 'seemed like a good idea at the time' scenarios

Just got ready in the hotel loo then went to the bar to get a cheeky apero (ordered an Aperol in honour of you, Lynn!), only to be told that on Fridays the hotel provide free prosecco and focaccia. I've got an hour to kill. Uh oh...

Kicking back Italian style

Life is tough. I've had to move inside to drink a cappucino while it tries to rain. So far today I've: had a lie-in in the world's biggest bed (I think it was bigger width ways than it was length ways), had breakfast, read my book beside the pool, swam 40 lengths, sat by the pool, walked to the Co-op to buy a bottle of Moet for my Italian host, snoozed by the pool, drank an authentic Italian cappucino. Anxious? Me? You must be confusing me with someone else ;o)

Life is good. Journey was good. Moon was amazingly huge and pink when it rose over the sea last night. Pizza was good (although eating on my own was yesterday's little challenge). Sleep was the best (with no sleeping tablet!). Italian men aren't backwards in coming forwards (although so far not in a letchy way). Saw a yacht with a helicopter on the back as I left Monaco station yesterday (sister has advised me to find myself a rich dude over here - promised she'd come and visit). Clarins fake tan bought at the airport is AMAZING and has taken the blue tinge off my legs with NO streaks. And I can see the sun peeping out through the palm trees again so I think I'll head back out to the pool. Don't feel too sorry for me! Ciao ciao xx

Banishing gremlins

A very strange thing has happened since I finished work on Friday. Something I hadn't expected and was therefore quite unprepared for. My anxiety has returned. Back are the disturbed sleeps; that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach; the shallower breathing; the I could freak out right here on this crowded tube feeling; the oh my god here I am in the City where T used to work; the over-analysing (and I mean more than usual - I know it's a really bad habit of mine); the stressing about everything; the dream that T returned after a period of absence (like he'd been away at war or something) that made me wake up crying in the middle of the night. That kinda thing. It's horrid. I haven't felt like that while I've been working. But I didn't notice those feelings had gone until they came back this week. Funny how the subconscious works, innit?

There was I thinking I'd be breathing a big sigh of relief to have finally finished work, but instead I'm getting familiar, but long ago buried, thoughts popping into my head: What's my purpose in life? Who am I if I don't work? What the hell am I gonna do with my life? I'm only in this situation because T died. I miss T. I'd prefer not to be in this situation and have T here with me... A good friend counselled me well. Told me to think of this as a minor blip; I've had them before and I'll have them again. Told me to not let myself retreat to those dark places in my head. Reminded me that I'm strong and capable and don't need to succumb again. Which is exactly what my counsellor, the wonderful Sheila the Healer, would have said. It helped. A lot.

The other thing that I'm 99.99% sure will cure me, is my escape to Italy and France. I'm off tomorrow to visit someone I've known for 15 years but haven't seen for 14. We've kept in regular contact over the years and have always got on amazingly well. So I'm really excited about that, and know that there's a high probability that I will feel like I've found another place to retreat, away from the gremlins and with someone who will look out for me. I love those places and those spaces that I've found on my journey. They are important to me and always seem to come along just when I need them. (I'm also slightly stressed about the whole situation too, but I need to take some of my own advice and stop worrying about tomorrow!) I'm then joining my parents for a week in France. I'm going to swim every day. Maybe even run too. I'm going to drink amazing red wine. Eat delicious cheese. And bread. And duck. And pastries. I'm going to switch my brain off and take a deep breath and RELAX. I don't think I've done that for a while. And I can't wait.

"The question is whether you step forward, or you stay behind and watch."

Hats off to these guys. They are truly selfless and an inspiration.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13598607