Hi ho, hi ho...

On Monday I start work again; after living through my own personal hell and the subsequent 14 months of recuperation and reflection. I'm fortunate to have had that space to grieve. To try and 'come to terms', for want of a better phrase, with what's happened. To think about what's important to me in my new state. And what I want for my future. I haven't yet found the answers to either of those things. I think I thought they would find me. 14 months on and I'm slowly realising that I need to find them. But I'm not yet sure how...

One thing I do know is that it finally feels right to be going back to work. People told me that I would know when I was ready. I didn't believe them. I thought I'd never feel ready. But I know I'm ready now. It also feels right to be going back to a work for a company (or a reincarnation of a company) that I have worked for in the past. I'll be working alongside two people who I worked with for two years. And I'll have some familiar clients too. There's some comfort in that. It's not the deep and meaningful job I promised myself after my perspective on life was changed by T's death, but it's another step in the healing process. And in the confidence-boosting process.

It's only a four-week contract. But that sounds just perfect to me. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, which makes it feel less daunting. I feel strong and confident. And in desperate need of a shopping trip to ensure I'm dressed the part. I'm not looking forward to the early starts. And the commuting is going to drive the new 'life's too short' me, absolutely insane. Commuters are so bloody rude. I'm going to have to learn to bite my tongue as I step aside to let the herds charge onto the train in front of me. I refuse to join them (famous last words). But I'm looking forward to stimulating my brain cells. To having some structure to my days. To having that Friday feeling that T and I so used to love. I know with that comes the dreaded Monday morning feeling too, by the way. I'll have to find a way to cope with that.

I'll miss getting up when I wake up (and going to bed when I'm tired). And running when I fancy it - and in the daylight at the rate autumn is advancing. I'll miss being a lady that lunches with friends and their babies. I'll miss just being me and doing what I feel like doing, when I feel like doing it. I'll regret not defrosting the freezer while I had the chance. Or cleaning the car before now. I'll be more fraught. And will read more books. There's pros and cons but it's time to give it a go. After all, what's the worst that can happen?