Sorry for the silence; I'm aware I've gone quiet but it's not been intentional. I've been relying on internet cafes since I got back to France and also making the most of my last few days in the sunshine as I head back to the UK next week to start work back in London the week after. The agency I was at earlier this year offered me another six-month contract which kind of works for me as it means I can take off again next summer. I know it's everything I promised I wouldn't do, but I do enjoy my job and the people I work with (hello Luke!) and it's a good way to fund my next adventure. It will also be nice to spend some time with family and friends but I'm warning you now, I'm likely to be a moaning minnie for a good few weeks while I re-adjust.
Since getting back from the UK, this is what I've done:
- Marked T's birthday. I hate the birthdays and anniversaries passing, especially T's birthday. He loved his birthday. I had a strawberry tart on his behalf and lit a candle for him.
- Went to a bi-annual cheese/slow food festival in Piedmonte, Italy. We ate far too much but it was a good day out. I really enjoyed driving through the mountains and fell in love with a small ski village called Limone (lemon in English!).
- Watched a film called 'Auberge Espagnole' for the first ever time. It's basically like watching a film about our lives in Casque D'or in Perpignan. Very surreal. I'm pleased I got to watch it with Chri though, and will be bringing it home to watch with Marras Nic and Hooch.
- Went to the beach most days last week as the weather has been glorious. That's meant I've done a lot of reading which I'm very happy about. I read a good book called 'Night Train to Lisbon' by Pascal Mercier and I've just finished 'Water for Elephants' which I really enjoyed too (thanks Sal!). Now I'm stuck as my next book is in Nice and I'm in Cannes. Grrrr.
- Marked our wedding anniversary. I spent the day on the beach and went out with friends in Monaco in the evening. I told them about T, but not that it was our anniversary that day. They didn't need to know. I enjoyed the day and thought a lot about the happiest day of our lives five whole years ago.
- Met my parents at Nice airport and am currently enjoying spending a week on holiday with them in Cannes. We've been to a beautiful island - Ile Saint Honorat - just a 20-minute boat journey from Cannes. It's very unspoilt and home to a lot of monks. It's well worth a visit. We've also watched lots of stunning sunsets, explored some of the coastline and swam in the sea every day. Today I mastered swimming with my head underwater and saw a big school of fish swimming below me in the crystal clear water! I can't remember ever swimming in such clear sea - it was more like swimming in a pool. Admittedly it's much colder than it was a couple of weeks ago, but still very pleasant for swimming. Yesterday we went to Italy and I feel in love with a town just over the border called Bordighera. I swam at our regular beach in Bussana then picked Chri up from Sanremo and went to my favourite restarant in Bussana Vecchia (the earthquake-damaged town) for dinner. It was very strange for both Chri and me being there again and with my parents too, but we had a lovely evening.
And this is what the next few days has in store:
- Chilling around Cannes tomorrow, including another visit to the beach and some more underwater action!
- Cocktails on a rooftop bar in Nice on Saturday night before my parents fly home, then dinner for me with some lovely Italian friends. Chri is going to Milan so he's a bit put-out that I'll be socialising with 'his' friends!
- A spa day on Sunday with one of the lovely Italian friends who was going to take me as a surprise for my last weekend here but was too excited to keep it to herself - means I've got it to look forward to though.
- Fingers and toes crossed that Monday is nice so I can go to the beach in Villefranche one last time then spend my final evening with Chri. I don't quite know what I'll do without Chri, but I guess I survived for 14 years without him last time, so I can do it again (well hopefully not 14 years this time).
- Fly back to the UK on Tuesday and start work again the following Monday but let's not talk about that right now...
Friday 30 September 2011
Wednesday 14 September 2011
La mer est bleue et les poissons sont verts
Today I'm really really missing the sea; the blueness of the Mediterranean reflecting the blueness of the sky, the far-reaching vistas, the warmth of the sun. But mainly the sea. Suburban life isn't for me.
Random quotes
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”
A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
“Clare: It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.”
The Time Traveller's Wife , Audrey Niffenegger
"'To be born again,' sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, 'first you have to die'."
The Satanic Verses, Salman Rushdie
A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
“Clare: It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.”
The Time Traveller's Wife , Audrey Niffenegger
"'To be born again,' sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, 'first you have to die'."
The Satanic Verses, Salman Rushdie
What do I feel? and Things that struck me
Part 1 - What do I feel?
I'm back in the UK for a flying visit. I landed late last night and head back on Thursday night. Just time to check up on my apartment, check my post and have a meeting about going back to work. Oh, and maybe get my hair cut too. Haven't been brave enough to get it done in France.
On the plane last night I started a page in my notebook entitled 'What do I feel?'. But I seem to attract sociable people on public transport, always have, and last night the woman beside me chatted from take off to landing, so I didn't get any further than the title. So here's some thinking out loud about how I feel/felt:
- Neutral; neither really sad to be leaving, nor really ecstatic to be returning. It was just something I was doing, but not in a bad way.
- My heart filled with happiness seeing the lights of Nice set out below me. It's been an amazing summer and it was an amazing view. It was good knowing I'll be back on Thursday.
- Knowing that I'll almost definitely be returning to my London life in the very near future and feeling OK about that, quite excited maybe. I've missed my family, friends, apartment and even my car. I've missed my things, my own space, being more in control of my life, a routine (although being without those things has also been incredibly liberating and more good for me than I think I've realised).
- I'll miss the weather for sure; that will be one of the hardest things for me to adjust to. I love love love the sunshine and warmth. I love love love being able to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner outside. Swimming in the sea every day. Eating fruit and vegetables that have been grown locally in the same sunshine that I've enjoyed, not imported from Kenya and NZ and Israel.
- Sad sad sad that my summer is coming to an end. The leaves are changing colour and beginning to fall. The winter clothes are in the shops. I'm likely going back to midnight finishes, stress, London life in general. Things I vowed I wouldn't do, or continue to do. I've done so many amazing things this summer, with so many amazing people. I'm sad to think that their lives will continue as usual, but that I won't be there to share quite so many of the good times with them. Along with the weather and the sea, I'll miss the people and the fun times A LOT. But remembering that I can be back there in 1.5 hours. And that I've got my fair share of amazing people waiting for me back here. To do amazing things with.
- As well as feeling excited about coming back, feeling a bit sad that life in the Med hasn't worked out for me in the medium term. Yet. Knowing that I can't stay in Nice just because I've got one really good friend there, and the city really hasn't stolen my heart so I've got no reason to stay (other than the weather and the lifestyle and Chri). Italy, however, has stolen my heart. Well and truly. But at the same time having doubts about going to Genova without Chri because I'd be so dependent on his friends to look out for me, which they would. But would I have as much fun without that missing link? Then remembering what wise old Sheila the Healer used to say - that it's OK having medium- and long-term plans. That you don't need to get to where you eventually want to be, today. It's OK to work towards that and plan it and get there in your own time. (Italian lessons here I come...)
- Very nervous about going back to Groundhog Day. Questioning my reasons for doing so. Having said that, I'm going to do my darndest to stop it becoming GHD. I'm going to buy fresh bread at Pain Quotidien or Paul and have nice lunches, not some Hovis jam sanga. I'm going to learn Italian. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to try and do fun random things with fun random people. I'm going to try not to work so late. I'm going to try and clear the flat out and make some changes (that one will be easier said than done). I'm going to get to spend more time with my family and observe my youngest nephew growing up - three months is a long time in baby time. I'm going to visit GB in Paris and I can't wait for that. I miss him a lot. I'm also going to visit Yaty in Stockholm. Anyway, I know I said all of this after South Africa last year, but I really need to make it happen. It's up to me. Shit.
Interestingly, writing all of that down has made me question my feelings. It'll be interesting to see how things pan out.
Part 2 - Things that struck me
Travelling into London today, these things struck me at various times during my journey. I wrote them down as they occurred to me:
- Yellow number plates.
- How tall The Shard is.
- How much Italian I'm thinking. (I didn't sleep that well last night and woke up at various times, obviously confused about where I was but with random Italian words going round my head. I praised the computer for working this morning in Italian. I cursed a car when I was crossing the road in Italian. And the ticket machine at the station got some Italian too. Strano.)
- How I hesitate before I speak to strangers in English (like the person beside me on the train or the man on the platform at the station). I'm so used to speaking to strangers in French or Italian. I keep having to remind myself that it's OK to blether away in English - these people will understand me.
- How good it is to be home. I loved my cup of tea and fruit and fibre this morning. With normal milk. I love having a wardrobe full of clothes. And shoes. And a wider choice of jewellery. I even enjoyed my trip to Waitrose. Our supermarkets are so well-stocked.
- How familiar things are - things like buses and taxis.
- How grey the Thames is. Yuk. I'm so used to my water being transparent turquoise. And I appreciate that the Thames will never be transparent or turquoise but it was actually a shock to see how grey it was.
- How excited I am about some of my Italian friends coming to my city in October. So I can return some of their hospitality. So I can show them the best of the city and make sure they have the best time. It will be completely different to my trips to Italy, but I have to avoid putting pressure on myself to recreate those trips and just embrace the fact that they'll be super excited to be here and will be seeing things through a tourist's eyes.
I'm back in the UK for a flying visit. I landed late last night and head back on Thursday night. Just time to check up on my apartment, check my post and have a meeting about going back to work. Oh, and maybe get my hair cut too. Haven't been brave enough to get it done in France.
On the plane last night I started a page in my notebook entitled 'What do I feel?'. But I seem to attract sociable people on public transport, always have, and last night the woman beside me chatted from take off to landing, so I didn't get any further than the title. So here's some thinking out loud about how I feel/felt:
- Neutral; neither really sad to be leaving, nor really ecstatic to be returning. It was just something I was doing, but not in a bad way.
- My heart filled with happiness seeing the lights of Nice set out below me. It's been an amazing summer and it was an amazing view. It was good knowing I'll be back on Thursday.
- Knowing that I'll almost definitely be returning to my London life in the very near future and feeling OK about that, quite excited maybe. I've missed my family, friends, apartment and even my car. I've missed my things, my own space, being more in control of my life, a routine (although being without those things has also been incredibly liberating and more good for me than I think I've realised).
- I'll miss the weather for sure; that will be one of the hardest things for me to adjust to. I love love love the sunshine and warmth. I love love love being able to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner outside. Swimming in the sea every day. Eating fruit and vegetables that have been grown locally in the same sunshine that I've enjoyed, not imported from Kenya and NZ and Israel.
- Sad sad sad that my summer is coming to an end. The leaves are changing colour and beginning to fall. The winter clothes are in the shops. I'm likely going back to midnight finishes, stress, London life in general. Things I vowed I wouldn't do, or continue to do. I've done so many amazing things this summer, with so many amazing people. I'm sad to think that their lives will continue as usual, but that I won't be there to share quite so many of the good times with them. Along with the weather and the sea, I'll miss the people and the fun times A LOT. But remembering that I can be back there in 1.5 hours. And that I've got my fair share of amazing people waiting for me back here. To do amazing things with.
- As well as feeling excited about coming back, feeling a bit sad that life in the Med hasn't worked out for me in the medium term. Yet. Knowing that I can't stay in Nice just because I've got one really good friend there, and the city really hasn't stolen my heart so I've got no reason to stay (other than the weather and the lifestyle and Chri). Italy, however, has stolen my heart. Well and truly. But at the same time having doubts about going to Genova without Chri because I'd be so dependent on his friends to look out for me, which they would. But would I have as much fun without that missing link? Then remembering what wise old Sheila the Healer used to say - that it's OK having medium- and long-term plans. That you don't need to get to where you eventually want to be, today. It's OK to work towards that and plan it and get there in your own time. (Italian lessons here I come...)
- Very nervous about going back to Groundhog Day. Questioning my reasons for doing so. Having said that, I'm going to do my darndest to stop it becoming GHD. I'm going to buy fresh bread at Pain Quotidien or Paul and have nice lunches, not some Hovis jam sanga. I'm going to learn Italian. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to try and do fun random things with fun random people. I'm going to try not to work so late. I'm going to try and clear the flat out and make some changes (that one will be easier said than done). I'm going to get to spend more time with my family and observe my youngest nephew growing up - three months is a long time in baby time. I'm going to visit GB in Paris and I can't wait for that. I miss him a lot. I'm also going to visit Yaty in Stockholm. Anyway, I know I said all of this after South Africa last year, but I really need to make it happen. It's up to me. Shit.
Interestingly, writing all of that down has made me question my feelings. It'll be interesting to see how things pan out.
Part 2 - Things that struck me
Travelling into London today, these things struck me at various times during my journey. I wrote them down as they occurred to me:
- Yellow number plates.
- How tall The Shard is.
- How much Italian I'm thinking. (I didn't sleep that well last night and woke up at various times, obviously confused about where I was but with random Italian words going round my head. I praised the computer for working this morning in Italian. I cursed a car when I was crossing the road in Italian. And the ticket machine at the station got some Italian too. Strano.)
- How I hesitate before I speak to strangers in English (like the person beside me on the train or the man on the platform at the station). I'm so used to speaking to strangers in French or Italian. I keep having to remind myself that it's OK to blether away in English - these people will understand me.
- How good it is to be home. I loved my cup of tea and fruit and fibre this morning. With normal milk. I love having a wardrobe full of clothes. And shoes. And a wider choice of jewellery. I even enjoyed my trip to Waitrose. Our supermarkets are so well-stocked.
- How familiar things are - things like buses and taxis.
- How grey the Thames is. Yuk. I'm so used to my water being transparent turquoise. And I appreciate that the Thames will never be transparent or turquoise but it was actually a shock to see how grey it was.
- How excited I am about some of my Italian friends coming to my city in October. So I can return some of their hospitality. So I can show them the best of the city and make sure they have the best time. It will be completely different to my trips to Italy, but I have to avoid putting pressure on myself to recreate those trips and just embrace the fact that they'll be super excited to be here and will be seeing things through a tourist's eyes.
Tuesday 6 September 2011
How the other half live (and me, for one weekend only)
I've spent a lot of the summer feeling like I'm in a movie. I've done some amazing things in a relatively short space of time; things that I hadn't anticipated doing, with people I hadn't anticipated doing them with. Things that have given me a huge amount of pleasure. This weekend was no different. This weekend I really did feel like I was in a movie, and a fairly glamorous one at that!
Chri and Alle arrived at my apartment on Saturday late afternoon and helped move my bags to Chri's apartment. Saturday was incredibly humid so I was extremely grateful to the lovely Alle for the use of his large and air-conditioned car. We dropped my bags off then headed to Monaco. The train journey to Monaco is beautiful as it follows the sea but it was nice to be making the journey by car for a change as you get a completely different perspective. We took the road in-land in the hills high above the sea, then dropped down into Monaco. Alle's parents have an apartment in Monaco that they use for work so we got ready there and had a glass of champagne on the balcony. I was very excited to be staying in Monaco randomly! The underground parking at the apartment was full of Ferraris, Porches etc etc. Yes, there were also 'normal' cars but there were a lot of expensive cars too. It's incredible to think of the money concentrated in such a small area. If you can afford an apartment there, then you can afford the car and probably the yacht to go with it.
We went for an apero in the port then on the Horizon restaurant at the Fairmont Hotel, as you clearly do when in Monaco darling! I had tartare of blue prawns to start = delicious and really very blue (I didn't know blue prawns existed), followed by grilled swordfish skewers with houmous and mint tabouleh. We shared a lemon and a strawberry tart for dessert then, as the rain had cleared, we had coffee on the decking overlooking the sea and the city. It wasn't a cheap meal nor was it the best meal I've ever had, and the service was actually pretty dire, which surprised me, but it was an experience nonetheless. An experience I enjoyed.
Although we'd planned to get up bright and early on Sunday and go for a run, when the boys heard I'd never been to a casino they insisted we went downstairs to the hotel's casino. That was an experience too. Why are casinos so bright - is it to prevent cheating? And it was full full full of glamorous women. Lots of Russians and also lots of prostitutes (according to the boys) wearing short dresses and the highest of heels. There were also lots of old people playing the slot machines and it was mostly men at the tables. There was one blonde woman, cold as ice and apparently on her own (maybe those two things are connected?), who approached one of the roulette tables and handed over 300€, which she promptly lost, in about 10 minutes. We had a go on the slot machines and Alle managed to double his 20€ despite none of us quite understanding what we were doing. We cashed that in and given that none of us knew how anything other than blackjack worked, the boys persuaded me to play. Sitting down at a blackjack table in a casino in Monte-Carlo in my LBD, backed by two Italian men really was like being in a film! No-one explains the rules to you so I missed the first round because I didn't put my chips down before the cards were dealt and the croupier doesn't prompt you. Doh! But between the three of us we managed to figure out what we were meant to be doing and I was off! I started cautious and stayed cautious but it reaped rewards. The boys joined the game as and when places at the table became available, and a Swiss guy beside me and a random punter behind me gave me top tips as the game progressed. It was great! I guess we did get a bit addicted because before we knew it it was 3.30am. But the good news is that we came out 20€ up! We had a final drink and some midnight munchies in the hotel bar to celebrate our success and finally got to bed just before 6am! Unfortunately we were woken up three hours later when my phone alarm went off in the room where Alle was sleeping. It was so loud! I didn't realise it got so loud as I normally switch it off within seconds, and poor Alle was terrified as he didn't know what it was. We decided to go back to bed for an hour and woke up again three hours later...
Alle made scrambled eggs with ham and toast - yum, haven't had that since I left the UK - and Earl Grey tea for breakfast then we rang my lovely Mum and sang happy birthday to her (happy birthday for Sunday me Ma!). We caught the bus along to Le Meridien hotel as Alle had free tickets for the pool/beach and had a swim in the indoor pool as it was raining outside. When the rain passed we swam in the sea and the outdoor pool before heading back. Alle then drove us back to Nice and we had moules frites in the port, recounting the highlights of our weekend amid much laughter. (Chri and Alle are like a double act on the comedy-front so my tummy muscles were aching by the end of the weekend. As well as being good for my stomach, it was also good for my soul.)
So all in all, it was yet another amazing weekend; completetly random, unscheduled and like nothing I've ever experienced before (and maybe never will again!). And yet again, I feel incredibly lucky. Lucky to be living this life and having these experiences. But most importantly, lucky to be sharing them with such lovely people who have welcomed me into their lives like an old friend. That means a lot to me.
Chri and Alle arrived at my apartment on Saturday late afternoon and helped move my bags to Chri's apartment. Saturday was incredibly humid so I was extremely grateful to the lovely Alle for the use of his large and air-conditioned car. We dropped my bags off then headed to Monaco. The train journey to Monaco is beautiful as it follows the sea but it was nice to be making the journey by car for a change as you get a completely different perspective. We took the road in-land in the hills high above the sea, then dropped down into Monaco. Alle's parents have an apartment in Monaco that they use for work so we got ready there and had a glass of champagne on the balcony. I was very excited to be staying in Monaco randomly! The underground parking at the apartment was full of Ferraris, Porches etc etc. Yes, there were also 'normal' cars but there were a lot of expensive cars too. It's incredible to think of the money concentrated in such a small area. If you can afford an apartment there, then you can afford the car and probably the yacht to go with it.
We went for an apero in the port then on the Horizon restaurant at the Fairmont Hotel, as you clearly do when in Monaco darling! I had tartare of blue prawns to start = delicious and really very blue (I didn't know blue prawns existed), followed by grilled swordfish skewers with houmous and mint tabouleh. We shared a lemon and a strawberry tart for dessert then, as the rain had cleared, we had coffee on the decking overlooking the sea and the city. It wasn't a cheap meal nor was it the best meal I've ever had, and the service was actually pretty dire, which surprised me, but it was an experience nonetheless. An experience I enjoyed.
Although we'd planned to get up bright and early on Sunday and go for a run, when the boys heard I'd never been to a casino they insisted we went downstairs to the hotel's casino. That was an experience too. Why are casinos so bright - is it to prevent cheating? And it was full full full of glamorous women. Lots of Russians and also lots of prostitutes (according to the boys) wearing short dresses and the highest of heels. There were also lots of old people playing the slot machines and it was mostly men at the tables. There was one blonde woman, cold as ice and apparently on her own (maybe those two things are connected?), who approached one of the roulette tables and handed over 300€, which she promptly lost, in about 10 minutes. We had a go on the slot machines and Alle managed to double his 20€ despite none of us quite understanding what we were doing. We cashed that in and given that none of us knew how anything other than blackjack worked, the boys persuaded me to play. Sitting down at a blackjack table in a casino in Monte-Carlo in my LBD, backed by two Italian men really was like being in a film! No-one explains the rules to you so I missed the first round because I didn't put my chips down before the cards were dealt and the croupier doesn't prompt you. Doh! But between the three of us we managed to figure out what we were meant to be doing and I was off! I started cautious and stayed cautious but it reaped rewards. The boys joined the game as and when places at the table became available, and a Swiss guy beside me and a random punter behind me gave me top tips as the game progressed. It was great! I guess we did get a bit addicted because before we knew it it was 3.30am. But the good news is that we came out 20€ up! We had a final drink and some midnight munchies in the hotel bar to celebrate our success and finally got to bed just before 6am! Unfortunately we were woken up three hours later when my phone alarm went off in the room where Alle was sleeping. It was so loud! I didn't realise it got so loud as I normally switch it off within seconds, and poor Alle was terrified as he didn't know what it was. We decided to go back to bed for an hour and woke up again three hours later...
Alle made scrambled eggs with ham and toast - yum, haven't had that since I left the UK - and Earl Grey tea for breakfast then we rang my lovely Mum and sang happy birthday to her (happy birthday for Sunday me Ma!). We caught the bus along to Le Meridien hotel as Alle had free tickets for the pool/beach and had a swim in the indoor pool as it was raining outside. When the rain passed we swam in the sea and the outdoor pool before heading back. Alle then drove us back to Nice and we had moules frites in the port, recounting the highlights of our weekend amid much laughter. (Chri and Alle are like a double act on the comedy-front so my tummy muscles were aching by the end of the weekend. As well as being good for my stomach, it was also good for my soul.)
So all in all, it was yet another amazing weekend; completetly random, unscheduled and like nothing I've ever experienced before (and maybe never will again!). And yet again, I feel incredibly lucky. Lucky to be living this life and having these experiences. But most importantly, lucky to be sharing them with such lovely people who have welcomed me into their lives like an old friend. That means a lot to me.
Saturday 3 September 2011
I didn't exactly pull myself together - I got past such notions - but bits of me did come round again, as flies or memories or subatomic particles will for reasons of their own. Bit by bit I congregated, I suppose you could say, and then somehow I cohered. I went on and had another life. Or went ahead and made the best of the old one.
A quote from 'Breath' by Tim Winton, a good book.
A quote from 'Breath' by Tim Winton, a good book.
Friday 2 September 2011
Living the dream, at last!
After a week of updating my various CVs and trying to decide what I want to do in the short term, today I decided to just start living the dream (which I've been doing at weekends, but not during the week) and making the most of my time here in the sunshine. I dropped my CV off at a language school this morning, had a coffee in the sunshine, then came home and did some chores before walking to the port and catching a 1€ bus along to Eze Village, a tiny little village up in the hills above the Mediterranean. I haven't really explored the Riviera, so it was nice to be out and about enjoying the weather and the scenery. I'd made a sandwich so I sat and had that then wandered round the village. There's several art galleries, a few restaurants, a church and two very posh hotels. In one of them, a burger costs 55€. That's 55€. Just think about that for a minute. Two people, two burgers = £100, give or take. Without drinks. That beggars belief. The club sandwich was 40€. A coffee was 7€. For a simple espresso. Now I don't mind paying for good food, but I don't think I could justify those prices. Nor do I believe the quality of that coffee or that burger, even combined with the view, can justify those prices. (But I am going to add it to my wishlist of places to stay when I win the lottery!)
The village is small, so I'd soon finished my little tour and decided to go round once more in case I'd missed anything. I took a slightly different route and discovered the church, so I sat in there for a long while, mostly with my eyes closed, just thinking and relaxing and being. It felt good. It was an interesting church, filled with some quirky religious pictures and in need of a lick of paint in parts, but that only added to its charm. I wandered round the cemetery, observing how the Europeans have a penchant for putting pictures of the deceased on their grave stones. It's quite a nice idea as then you can picture the person, whether you knew them or not. I'm conscious that I haven't yet sorted out a headstone for T. I'm not stressed about it as it doesn't matter when it gets done, but I'm aware that I need to do it at some point. One of my problems is that I've got used to the grave as it is and while I know I need to get a headstone, it will be another little challenge for me to change how it's been for the past two years (say that quickly; I don't know how it can be two years). Another is deciding what the headstone should be like and choosing the words. Anyway, that's tomorrow's problem...
Passing the second most expensive hotel, Chateau Eza, for a second time, I decided on a whim to take myself in there and have a drink on my lonesome. I contemplated having the cheapest drink on the menu - a coffee or a beer - but decided that life was for living so I chose the drink I wanted, which at that moment in time was a campari and soda. So I sat on the terrasse and sipped my campari in the sunshine. And it felt really really good. I felt confident and content, even though I was on my own and in full view of a loved-up couple sipping champagne and sharing kisses. I was just dressed normally but didn't feel self-conscious. I just enjoyed the moment for what it was and I'm so pleased I did. It did me good. Had I gone to India as originally planned, I would have spent my time exploring and enjoying the time there but here I seem to have got sucked in to just living and not experiencing, and I know that when I'm back in the UK I'll regret not having made more of my time here, so from today I'm going to do just that.
Refreshed and relaxed, I then went to another hotel on an errand for Chri, only the hotel wasn't where he thought it was and I ended up on an unscheduled 4km round trip in the heat. Nevermind, I like having a purpose so I was on a bit of a mission and the views were spectacular. It also gave me plenty of opportunities to practice my Italian cursing! I made it back to Eze Village, changed into my trainers and took the Chemin de Nietzsche (he used to visit the Riviera regularly and this was the path he took to and from the village apparently), a twisty turny path through the olive trees to Eze-sur-Mer, some 1300ft below. It was lovely, and nice to do a proper walk in the countryside. It reminded me a lot of Corsica and I know T would have enjoyed the walk. That made me enjoy it even more.
I arrived at the coast, hot and bothered and ready for a swim, but the waves were too big for me to brave so I caught the train back towards Nice, thinking I'd have a swim or a run when I got back. But as the train pulled into Villefranche and I saw that there were no waves there, I took a detour and went for a swim there instead. I couldn't resist. Chri joined me on his way back from Monaco but didn't have his swimming stuff so he sat on the beach in his suit, cursing his lack of bathers while I rubbed salt in the wound and had a second swim. We took the scenic route back to Nice and saw the city spread out below us and I made sure I appreciated that view too, rather than just taking Nice for granted.
I'm now sat on the balcony in as few clothes as possible as it's hot, contemplating packing my bags yet again. I have to move out of here this weekend and in with Chri, which isn't ideal as his new apartment isn't as big as his Italian one, but I'm not going to be there that much and he'll be out at work during the day, so hopefully it will work out. My wise mate, GB, pointed out recently that for a control freak like me, it's actually a minor miracle that I haven't had any concrete living arrangements in place during the whole time I've been here. I'm literally just going with the flow and it's working out and, importantly, I'm not freaking out. I tried articulating to him that it's amazing to think that after every chapter of my journey in time After T, I think I've got to my final emotional destination, only to find at the end of the next chapter I've moved on in even more leaps and bounds. Who'd have thought I'd be hopping on and off the back of scooters every day without stressing about it. T would be truly amazed by that and I'm really really pleased to have experienced something of the pleasure he got from his bike. Or not knowing where I'm going to be sleeping from one week to the next. I feel somewhat liberated from my old anxieties and think that I am living more in the moment. And it does feel good. I'm not cured, and never will be, because that's what makes me me, but I'm living a very different life here. I sometimes wish I could turn back time (OK, well I wish that all the time but you know what I mean) and be able to live my new life with T. It would be such a different life and really nice to be able to share more of T's many passions with him. I'm sorry I couldn't do that while he was still here. But maybe his death was necessary in part to help me get over my anxieties. He's liberated me. What a gift.
The weather forecast for the weekend isn't great, but we're hoping it's going to be nice enough to go running earlyish, then to the beach, but that might be wishful thinking. We're meant to be going to Monaco tomorrow night to have dinner with Alle, one of Chri's mates who I've met a couple of times and get on really well with, and will probably stay the night there. It's meant to be heavy rain on Sunday, which is a right bummer as Alle had free passes for us for the Meridian hotel pool (I know, I'm a total lush!), but if that's not possible we'll probably head into Provence in Alle's massive 4WD. I have to get a photo of him and his vehicle as he is tiny - much smaller than me, but drives the biggest car of anyone I know!
Right, off to do some packing before bed. Happy weekends one and all. Miss you lots xxxx
Chateau Eza - http://www.chateaueza.com/
The village is small, so I'd soon finished my little tour and decided to go round once more in case I'd missed anything. I took a slightly different route and discovered the church, so I sat in there for a long while, mostly with my eyes closed, just thinking and relaxing and being. It felt good. It was an interesting church, filled with some quirky religious pictures and in need of a lick of paint in parts, but that only added to its charm. I wandered round the cemetery, observing how the Europeans have a penchant for putting pictures of the deceased on their grave stones. It's quite a nice idea as then you can picture the person, whether you knew them or not. I'm conscious that I haven't yet sorted out a headstone for T. I'm not stressed about it as it doesn't matter when it gets done, but I'm aware that I need to do it at some point. One of my problems is that I've got used to the grave as it is and while I know I need to get a headstone, it will be another little challenge for me to change how it's been for the past two years (say that quickly; I don't know how it can be two years). Another is deciding what the headstone should be like and choosing the words. Anyway, that's tomorrow's problem...
Passing the second most expensive hotel, Chateau Eza, for a second time, I decided on a whim to take myself in there and have a drink on my lonesome. I contemplated having the cheapest drink on the menu - a coffee or a beer - but decided that life was for living so I chose the drink I wanted, which at that moment in time was a campari and soda. So I sat on the terrasse and sipped my campari in the sunshine. And it felt really really good. I felt confident and content, even though I was on my own and in full view of a loved-up couple sipping champagne and sharing kisses. I was just dressed normally but didn't feel self-conscious. I just enjoyed the moment for what it was and I'm so pleased I did. It did me good. Had I gone to India as originally planned, I would have spent my time exploring and enjoying the time there but here I seem to have got sucked in to just living and not experiencing, and I know that when I'm back in the UK I'll regret not having made more of my time here, so from today I'm going to do just that.
Refreshed and relaxed, I then went to another hotel on an errand for Chri, only the hotel wasn't where he thought it was and I ended up on an unscheduled 4km round trip in the heat. Nevermind, I like having a purpose so I was on a bit of a mission and the views were spectacular. It also gave me plenty of opportunities to practice my Italian cursing! I made it back to Eze Village, changed into my trainers and took the Chemin de Nietzsche (he used to visit the Riviera regularly and this was the path he took to and from the village apparently), a twisty turny path through the olive trees to Eze-sur-Mer, some 1300ft below. It was lovely, and nice to do a proper walk in the countryside. It reminded me a lot of Corsica and I know T would have enjoyed the walk. That made me enjoy it even more.
I arrived at the coast, hot and bothered and ready for a swim, but the waves were too big for me to brave so I caught the train back towards Nice, thinking I'd have a swim or a run when I got back. But as the train pulled into Villefranche and I saw that there were no waves there, I took a detour and went for a swim there instead. I couldn't resist. Chri joined me on his way back from Monaco but didn't have his swimming stuff so he sat on the beach in his suit, cursing his lack of bathers while I rubbed salt in the wound and had a second swim. We took the scenic route back to Nice and saw the city spread out below us and I made sure I appreciated that view too, rather than just taking Nice for granted.
I'm now sat on the balcony in as few clothes as possible as it's hot, contemplating packing my bags yet again. I have to move out of here this weekend and in with Chri, which isn't ideal as his new apartment isn't as big as his Italian one, but I'm not going to be there that much and he'll be out at work during the day, so hopefully it will work out. My wise mate, GB, pointed out recently that for a control freak like me, it's actually a minor miracle that I haven't had any concrete living arrangements in place during the whole time I've been here. I'm literally just going with the flow and it's working out and, importantly, I'm not freaking out. I tried articulating to him that it's amazing to think that after every chapter of my journey in time After T, I think I've got to my final emotional destination, only to find at the end of the next chapter I've moved on in even more leaps and bounds. Who'd have thought I'd be hopping on and off the back of scooters every day without stressing about it. T would be truly amazed by that and I'm really really pleased to have experienced something of the pleasure he got from his bike. Or not knowing where I'm going to be sleeping from one week to the next. I feel somewhat liberated from my old anxieties and think that I am living more in the moment. And it does feel good. I'm not cured, and never will be, because that's what makes me me, but I'm living a very different life here. I sometimes wish I could turn back time (OK, well I wish that all the time but you know what I mean) and be able to live my new life with T. It would be such a different life and really nice to be able to share more of T's many passions with him. I'm sorry I couldn't do that while he was still here. But maybe his death was necessary in part to help me get over my anxieties. He's liberated me. What a gift.
The weather forecast for the weekend isn't great, but we're hoping it's going to be nice enough to go running earlyish, then to the beach, but that might be wishful thinking. We're meant to be going to Monaco tomorrow night to have dinner with Alle, one of Chri's mates who I've met a couple of times and get on really well with, and will probably stay the night there. It's meant to be heavy rain on Sunday, which is a right bummer as Alle had free passes for us for the Meridian hotel pool (I know, I'm a total lush!), but if that's not possible we'll probably head into Provence in Alle's massive 4WD. I have to get a photo of him and his vehicle as he is tiny - much smaller than me, but drives the biggest car of anyone I know!
Right, off to do some packing before bed. Happy weekends one and all. Miss you lots xxxx
Chateau Eza - http://www.chateaueza.com/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)