It struck me this week that I've been widowed longer than I was married. That's a bitter pill to swallow, but swallow it I must. I will always wish things had worked out differently for me. And for poor T. Especially for T. But this is my lot and I have to suck it up. I've said it before but I'll say it again; I wish T could come back now. He's been gone for long enough. I've endured a lot. It would be so nice if he could reappear and we could pick up where we left off, which would admittedly take time given the person I now am, but it would also be the best thing in the world. I just know it. But it can never happen. I can never see T again. Sometimes that hits me hard too. Even now.
But I know he'd be proud of me and where I've got to. I'm in a good place. I'm happy at work (dare I say it, although they recently offered me a permanent contract which made me baulk a bit!). I'm loving my Pilates and recently went on a Pilates retreat to Majorca. Yes, on my own. I loved every second of it. I'm also trying to get my head around having a new kitchen fitted - I'm getting a bit fed up of going to visit friends in mansions/houses they've built/places they've done up while I live in the same surroundings I've lived in for the past nine years; same second hand sofas, same cheapest Ikea furniture. But I need to bite the bullet and make some changes. On my own. That bit sucks. But again, it's my lot. Bugger all anyone can do about it. I can wallow and moan and groan. Or I can get on with living, which is what I always try to do.
Speaking of which, another mantra of mine is to live in the moment and not waste valuable time and energy worrying about things that may never happen. I try really hard at this but it's not always easy. Here's an example: I wanted to book time off over Christmas but when I checked the holiday calendar at work I discovered that the world and his wife had already booked those days off. I suspected therefore that my holiday request would be refused. I agonised about having this discussion with work for weeks. Weeks. Then I plucked up the courage to put my holiday request in and it was approved. Just like that. Pah!
But I know he'd be proud of me and where I've got to. I'm in a good place. I'm happy at work (dare I say it, although they recently offered me a permanent contract which made me baulk a bit!). I'm loving my Pilates and recently went on a Pilates retreat to Majorca. Yes, on my own. I loved every second of it. I'm also trying to get my head around having a new kitchen fitted - I'm getting a bit fed up of going to visit friends in mansions/houses they've built/places they've done up while I live in the same surroundings I've lived in for the past nine years; same second hand sofas, same cheapest Ikea furniture. But I need to bite the bullet and make some changes. On my own. That bit sucks. But again, it's my lot. Bugger all anyone can do about it. I can wallow and moan and groan. Or I can get on with living, which is what I always try to do.
Speaking of which, another mantra of mine is to live in the moment and not waste valuable time and energy worrying about things that may never happen. I try really hard at this but it's not always easy. Here's an example: I wanted to book time off over Christmas but when I checked the holiday calendar at work I discovered that the world and his wife had already booked those days off. I suspected therefore that my holiday request would be refused. I agonised about having this discussion with work for weeks. Weeks. Then I plucked up the courage to put my holiday request in and it was approved. Just like that. Pah!
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