Hello India!!

In summary, as my phone isn't liking this for some reason... 1. All is well with McRudders in Delhi! Flight half empty so lots of space. Loved my banoffee Gü pot for dessert and my Moma bircher muesli for brek - great idea that more airlines should embrace. Met random English guy getting off plane (reminiscent of my Taken story at Saigon airport!), who pointed me in the right direction, told me how to work out the exchange rate and gave me his card in case of emergencies. Some people are very kind and no, before you ask, I don't think he had any ulterior motives! 2. Weather is good - about 33 today but with a nice breeze. Air-con and a fan in this hotel room - hurray! 3. Dozed then took myself off to Humayan's Tomb this afternoon. Took a tuk-tuk that cost me about £1.50 for the 30 min journey. It was a great way to see some of the city and get a feel for the place. I didn't really get hassles so was pleased I braved it on my own. 4. Group will total ten, including the guide. Two people arrive later tonight. All seem nice: an Irish couple, a lovely Dutch girl, a quiet Swiss girl and two young Danish girls. An American and a Belgian yet to meet. We all went out for a lovely curry this evening; made me feel at home! 5. It's gonna be a hectic trip and involve A LOT of travelling; starting with a 14-hour overnight train tomorrow afternoon. We arrive in Bikaner at 5.45am :( But tomorrow morning we're exploring Delhi together. That's all for now. More as and when I can. Thanks for all the love and support I've received, that is the only reason I'm saying goodnight from Delhi, India; wouldn't be here if I was doing this completely on my own xx

Two things

1. They don't have toilet paper in India!!!! After all these years I didn't realise that the whole wiping your derriere with your left hand was so goddamn literal. Shit. Or crap. Or any other toilet related expletive that can be inserted at this moment. And I've got a dirty-toilet phobia. Waaaaaaaaaa. And there was me being so smug about my Shewee. That'll teach me. OK, I need to buy double stocks of hand sanitiser and wipes. And take my own toilet paper; lots of it for 20 days on the road.

2. The temperature in Delhi right now (that's 4.25am) is 22 degrees. During the day it's about 35 degrees. That's hot! But not as hot as the second place I visit after Delhi. There temperatures are forecast to reach 45 degrees. On my birthday in Jaisalmer, the current forecast is mostly sunny with highs of 40 and lows of 27. I may have made a mistake booking to go to Rajasthan in April and May. And I may have made an even bigger mistake shunning the air-conditioned private bus trips to experience the 'real' India using public transport. Oh my god. Really. And if that wasn't bad enough, just think of how gross the toilets are going to be in those temperatures. Help!!!!

Eat = done. Next up: Pray.

One week today I fly to Delhi to start a 20-day trip round Rajasthan. I'm excited, stressed, apprehensive and happy, all in one. I'll feel slightly better once my visa and passport arrive. And better still once I've figured out what to pack. And once I'm on my way I know I'll put my anxieties behind me and enjoy my next new adventure.

India fascinates me and I've been wanting to go for a few years now. In fact, I was due to go last summer but Italy stole my heart, and my India plans were put on hold while I embraced the Eat phase of my life. Big time. But now the time is right for the Pray phase (- time to pick that book up again, Luke). My (new, thanks Kari!) Lonely Planet book sums up what I'm expecting:

Bamboozling. No other word better captures the enigma that is India. With its ability to inspire, frustrate, thrill and confound all at once, India presents an extraordinary spectrum of encounters for the traveller. From rural serenity to big-city swirls of colour, from dizzyingly intricate carved temples to musicians playing ragas in the desert, from harlequin-bright elephants to gourmet restaurants in stylish cities, India will jostle your entire being, and no matter where you go or what you do, it's a place that fires the imagination and stirs the soul like nowhere else on Earth.

It sounds like it's a country that will test my resolve in more ways than one. But I'm hoping that forewarned is forearmed. Being on an organised group trip will also help. And its good to be challenged and pushed outside your comfort zone once in a while. It's also an opportunity for me to christen the as yet unused Shewee that T, knowing my public toilet phobia, bought me in preparation for a festival we were meant to go to ;)

For those of you who are interested, this is my itinerary. I got the best flavour of the places by Google imaging each one. Some of them look absolutely stunning:

Delhi
Bikaner (where I'll do a camel safari and overnight camp in the desert)
Jaisalmer (I think this is where I'll spend my birthday)
Jodhpur
Udaipur
Pushkar
Jaipur
Agra (home of the beautiful Taj Mahal)
Varanasi

There are several overnight sleeper trains involved, so hopefully it'll be a really authentic experience and another exciting chapter of my life.

But there's lots to do before I go. Aside from some shopping and then packing, I'm also getting the flat ready to rent out while I'm away in Italy for the summer. This weekend I tackled the small but jam-packed cupboard in the spare room. It's been a two-day job and it's still not finished. I've shredded two bin bags worth of old paperwork - bank statements, old payslips and the like. I've half-filled the paper recycling bin with leaflets, brochures, newspapers and envelopes.I've been reminded once again of how amazing my husband was: he had folders for digital photography, running, CISCO, music stuff, motorbike stuff. He was a man with many passions and a real interest in learning and developing (and accumulating the necessary magazines, newspaper articles, website print out etc etc to match!). It's been surprisingly therapeutic and maybe only something that I feel completely ready to do now, after all this time. But the practicalities of moving it all into storage are also helping me to be more ruthless. Half of me wishes I'd done it sooner so I could have enjoyed living in a clutter-free environment these past few months, but I guess that's what I've got to look forward to upon my return.

Don't get me wrong though, it's also been emotional. Today I found an old cheque book that contained stubs for cheques for my hen do accommodation in Barcelona; our wedding venue and catering; and T's funeral. Seeing it all laid out sequentially like that was tough. And thinking of myself writing a cheque to pay for my own husband's funeral less than two weeks after he died was just incomprehensible. God knows how I even functioned at that time, nevermind went through mindless everyday functions like writing a cheque.

Anyway, it's all good. These are all yet more steps on my journey - my journey of recovery and my journey of life. It's an interesting journey and I'm grateful to be on it.

Round the corner of the world I turn,
More and more about the world I learn;
All the new things that I see
You'll be looking at along with me. 
(Sydney Carter)

A wee update

Life has been busy for me recently, hence my lack of posts. I'm never as inspired to write when I'm working either, but I thought it was about time for an update.

I don't know where this year is going; it seems like just yesterday that I was celebrating new year in Tuscany and now I'm starting to think about my next trip there at Easter. In April – the fourth month of the year. That's incredible. Since my last trip to Italy I've spent weekends in Northumberland, Krakow and Madrid. I've also had an Italian friend over one weekend, had Graeme to stay for two nights, visited my godson and his new baby sister, had a Saturday night out with friends from Monaco, taken a 10-week Italian language course and started having some life coaching. This weekend another Italian friend is visiting, and the weekend after my lovely sister is coming to visit for the first time in 15 months – yay! Recent travel has been restricted as my passport is away being renewed, but an enforced period in the UK has also been nice.

So, another chapter of my life is coming to a close; 30 March is the last day of my current contract. At this moment in time, apart from my trip to Italy at the start of April, I don't have any definite plans but the vague plan consists of a trip to India in April/May, a long weekend in Switzerland with Graeme at the start of June then hopefully some QT with my family before I head to Italy for the summer. I initially thought I'd like to go and spend six months in Italy, but the reality of that didn't appeal quite as much as I originally thought; there's only so much sitting on a beach on your own you can do before it becomes a tad lonely. So I think I'll go for July and August and see how it goes. If I can pick up some teaching work or something to keep me busy then that would be ideal. I'm also looking forward to having an opportunity to improve my Italian – both speaking and cooking!

I am a little nervous about giving up a good job/career again, and leaving behind my lovely colleagues. Work, as much as it pains me to say it, gives me some much-needed stability in my life. I enjoy having a routine and it gives my life some purpose – one big thing that's lacking in my life. My colleagues make my working life an absolute pleasure, especially Luke who, in the past week, has surprised me with bunches of daffodils and a beautiful necklace from Amsterdam. That, combined with a surprise Graze box from my lovely sister and a box of beautiful Belgian chocolates from Graeme, have made for a lovely week of unexpected presents that have brought a smile to my face. Thank you all xx

Emotionally, I'm in a really good place at the moment. I feel really strong and positive and am enjoying my life. I'm feeling unsettled about the immediate future, including the prospect of packing all my stuff away and renting out my flat, but I know that the benefits of some time out will outweigh all that. I was saddened by what happened to Fabrice Muamba at the weekend – that brought back some memories of my time in the ICU at the hospital after Tim's accident. It also made me think about how hard it must be for the family when something like that happens to people in the public eye.

Anyway, I think that's all my news, or a summary of it anyway. Hopefully you can expect to see more posts from me in the near future. Hopefully from some more exotic places than London too...

Starting as I mean to go on

I've been feeling peculiar in recent weeks. I've had a feeling that I could neither shake off nor identify. Sometimes it's an excited feeling – going to work this morning in the gale-force winds and drizzle, this is how I felt. Sometimes it's a calm feeling – being at ease and relaxed about things, even things like a Saturday night home alone with a steak, glass of wine and a DVD (which previously would have driven me to the depths of despair). Sometimes it's a feeling that's brim-full of anticipation of what's to come. Sometimes it's a feeling of immense gratitude for how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by loving family and friends and to be able to live the life I'm living. Sometimes it's a heart-bursting feeling of love for said family and friends. It varies from day-to-day but whatever it is, it's overwhelmingly positive. Every week in our team meeting at work we write down our scores out of ten for the following areas of our life: personal, family, organisation and peers. In recent weeks my average scores are probably 9-10 across the board. My colleagues think I'm crazy and are waiting for the bubble to burst, but thankfully so far it hasn't.

Today I think I identified what I'm feeling. I think I'm feeling happy again. That incredible lightness of being that I maybe haven't been able to experience fully since T died. Yes, there's been happy moments during the past two and a half years, and slowly but surely I learnt to smile and enjoy life again. But I think I was still being constantly dragged backwards by my grief during these moments. Now (well today anyway and that, afterall, is all we have), I don't feel the backwards pull of that grief on a daily basis. I look forward much more than I look back. I rarely cry and I embrace the time I have on my own. I enjoy being able to do what I want to do, when and with whom I want to do it. My anxiety has gone for the most part. I worry far less about things that would have consumed me in the past, even before T died. (On New Year's Day, for example, I went horse riding without a hard hat as there wasn't a hard hat to wear. Before, I may well have refused to ride without a hat, but I didn't give it a second thought. The same with my scooter riding last summer.). I feel liberated and more confident and more like me than I maybe ever have in my life. And I love it!

I had the best Christmas: spending time with some of T's family and my own, and celebrating the first birthday of my gorgeous nephew. It was so nice to escape London and breathe in the fresh air of the NE and just have some quality family time. I also visited T's grave, which I haven't done for a long long time. I was worried about going. Aside from reliving the awful awful details of the day of T's accident (I think I will forever struggle with hospitals), thinking of T's body in the ground is another thing I don't cope very well with, understandably. But I'm pleased I went. When I visit T, I talk to him and tell him what I've been up to, even though I know he somehow knows. I told him all about my very enjoyable and very drunken weekend at the start of December with my bestest friend, Graeme. I told T the latest about his family, and mine. I told him about my summer and my friends – old and new. I told him about what I might do this coming year. I told him I missed him and that I will love him forever and ever.

After Christmas I flew to Nice and spent a lovely few days in Italy with my Italian friends. We had a big night out in Monaco on Thursday night, which was great fun (paying €52 for three drinks in one bar wasn't quite as much fun, however.) Friday was lunch in Monaco in the sunshine, followed by a lovely night out in Genova – dinner with friends then to our favourite bar in the old town. Then on Saturday we drove to Tuscany and stayed in a small agriturismo in the hills. It was so peaceful and chilled out. We had lunch in a village in the mountains that's famous for both its marble and its lardo (very thin slices of fat, cured with rosemary and other herbs between slabs of marble). The marble makes the mountains look like they're covered in snow. It was fascinating. NYE itself was spent in the farmhouse, eating! We sat at communal tables and shared the most delicious homemade rustic cooking. The meal lasted for about 2.5 hours, with the mains finishing at around 11.30pm, just in time for some midnight champagne toasts before dessert was brought out! It was really special and my kind of celebration. After some dancing we walked through the star-lit forest to a viewpoint and admired the lights of the plain below, which was reminiscent of Los Angeles, not that I've ever been. The vast quantities of food on NYE meant I wasn't an inebriated as I might otherwise have been, so I was able to enjoy a horse ride through the forest the following day, before another big meal at the farmhouse. It was the most perfect start to the new year.

Who knows what this year will bring. All I do know is that I'm starting it with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. And, as always, I'm so very grateful to T for being my inspiration. I wouldn't be where I am without him, or the support of my family and friends. So big love to you all, and to all a very healthy, happy, fun-filled 2012.

May your days be merry and bright

So, Christmas is almost upon us once again. Not quite sure how that happened, but there you go.

Walking home last night I overheard two girls discussing what they had bought their other halves for Christmas (one lucky guy is getting: a one day River Cottage cookery course, a weekend away and some bits to open on the day. Seems a tad extravagant – we got half a tax disk each one year, and double glazing one year too – but each to their own). I then got home and rang my Mum to ask if she could pick me up a wreath to take to T's grave over Christmas. That's what I'm buying my husband this year.

I still struggle to think of T having a grave. I find it easier to think that he's simply gone. And I'm overwhelmed with sadness when I think what T's grave actually means. It means he's gone. Christmas can be a sad time. I miss him beyond measure: every single day of my life. I just wish I'd find him at home waiting for me one night. I've got so much to tell him and he'd know just what to say according to my various moods. He'd love the person I've become. I'm so much more confident in myself (most of the time), I take more pride in my appearance, I'm thinner and I love my exercise. I'm more relaxed about things that I used to be uptight about. The new me and T would have a blast, I just know it! But I'm only that person because T died and that's a pretty big thought.

Today, the amazing gift of T continued and I did something that gave me immense pleasure. T had £25 in his wallet when he died. I've kept that money to one side as T firmly believed in karma: if ever he found money in the street he'd donate it to charity because it wasn't his money to keep. So I've done the same with T's cash. I've um-ed and ah-ed about what to do with it – add it to T's website, donate it to a random charity – and today I made my decision. I bought a Big Issue from the lovely vendor who stands on Waterloo Bridge every single day – cleverly alternating sides to maximise sales. He is very unassuming, doesn't give anyone the hard sell, in fact he only speaks when spoken to, but then is always very polite. I handed him £20 and told him to keep the change. It gave me such a buzz! I explained that it was T's money and I wanted to give it to him as he works so hard. He was very grateful and told me he was looking forward to next week as it was the only week of the year he has off. I asked what he'd be doing and he told me he'd be sitting in a chair reading. So I hope that £20 makes a small difference to his Christmas. T was a regular buyer of the Big Issue so I know he'd approve.

As well as the sadness associated with Christmases for me now, there is also a lot of happiness. I get to see my family again. Yay! I get to spend time with my nephew, who I haven't seen since October and who will be celebrating his first birthday on Christmas Day. Yay again! I get to escape London and breath some fresh country air. And I get a big long break from work. I also get to spend my first new year in Italy, with some of the lovely people I've met/become reacquainted with over the past six months. There's no definite plan yet, but that's just the way the Italians roll so I have no choice but to roll with them, which is really good for me. I know we've got at least a night and a lunch in Monte Carlo planned, but beyond that I'm not sure. But that's all I need to know and it's all good.

I feel incredibly blessed. Blessed to have such loving, lovely people in my life who look out for me, make me smile, give me support and advice when I need it, keep me company and love me. Blessed to be in good health and good spirits. Blessed to have a job I enjoy (most of the time) and amazing colleagues (20 of us sitting down for a lunch of homemade chilli, jacket potatoes, bucks fizz, crackers and a chocolate raffle today in our large meeting room was really fun!). Blessed to have a job and a warm bed for the night (and an electric blanket!). And most of all, blessed to have known and loved T, and been loved back. I am who I am today because of him. And I'm grateful for everything he's inspired me to do. I'm a lucky girl.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas and all the very best for the new year. May your days be very merry and very bright.

Well, hello

It really has been a while this time, hasn't it? As I've found in the past, going back to work really isn't conducive to regular blogging. Amazingly, I'm already over half-way through week four of the daily grind. I don't quite know how.

Anyway, given I've got a limited amount of time today (on my lunch break) and that my internet access at home is down, this is going to have to be quick. In summary:

– I had a great last weekend in France and Italy with my lovely lovely Italian friends. It included everything I thought it would – rooftop cocktails in Nice and a night on the town, followed by a day at thermal baths in the mountains in Italy with the girls, and one last Italian pizza. The sun shone so I also squeezed in one last swim of the year in the Med (my daily dip in the sea is one of the things I miss the most).

– Coming back to the freezing freezing (at the time) NE was tough. Amazing to see my family but a shock to the system weather-wise. It was chilled to the bone cold (especially as I was living out of my suitcase full of summer clothes) and I really noticed how the weather restricts the ability to be outdoors. Once we'd had our daily Costa coffee we had to think of indoor things to do. I'd been used to lying on the beach for eight hours – swimming, snoozing, reading my book, people watching. With company or without. When the weather's nice you can just 'be' outside. It's harder to just 'be' inside. Anyway, my mum and I found plenty to do, including a visit to the Turkish baths in Newcastle; somewhere I'd never been before but will definitely be going back to. It's very old school and all the more lovely for that. I paid extra to use the city pool too, so managed to get my lengths in that day.

– Coming back to my flat was great! I loved having a range of clothes, shoes, jewellery etc to choose from. I loved having my own space. I loved the familiarity and the fact it was all mine and only mine. Since I got back I've embarked on a big clear out – the freezer's been defrosted (long overdue), the bedroom has been cleaned from top to bottom, including moving every bit of furniture to hoover properly, turning the mattress, clearing out old clothes (mine and T's – I was obviously emotionally ready to tackle this job, but incredible that it took me over two years to feel up to it. I'm pleased I did it in my own time though.). Everywhere is (for now) hoovered and dusted on a weekly basis to keep on top of it, so I'm generally feeling more feng-shuied and happy to be living in my newly streamlined and clean abode. I've also been inspired to get my slow cooker out (thanks to Sal!) and have now got eight home-cooked meals in my freezer which will save me cooking from scratch sometimes.

– I've had Chri to stay for the weekend. Massi and Elvira were meant to come too but cancelled at the last minute. We had a great weekend nevertheless – fish and chips, curry, Camden Market, Covent Garden, an Arsenal game at the Emirates, a Perpignan reunion with two other girls we lived with in 1996, birthday presents and cake for Chri's birthday... It was quite nice being a tourist again in my own city – made me appreciate London a bit more.

– On Monday I started Italian lessons. I'm having two hours every Monday and Thursday for five weeks. The really great thing is that there's only two students in the class, so I'm hopeful we're going to learn a lot and progress quickly. I love language full stop, but I already know I'm going to enjoy learning Italian and being able to communicate with my Italian friends who are always obliged to speak in English when I'm around.

– Work is work is work. Some things never change. I am enjoying being back, using my brain, earning some money to pay for the amazing summer I had, seeing my work friends again. It hasn't been daunting going back. And working four days a week makes a massive difference. I'm so grateful to my mum for suggesting I try and negotiate four day weeks (until Christmas anyway). It means I have one day to get on top of my chores and still have two days of weekend. I LOVE IT!

Right, I'm afraid that's my lunch break over. Hopefully I'll be able to post more regular updates once I resolve my internet at home issues. That may take some time and might involve me buying a new computer in sheer frustration though...