So, Christmas is almost upon us once again. Not quite sure how that happened, but there you go.
Walking home last night I overheard two girls discussing what they had bought their other halves for Christmas (one lucky guy is getting: a one day River Cottage cookery course, a weekend away and some bits to open on the day. Seems a tad extravagant – we got half a tax disk each one year, and double glazing one year too – but each to their own). I then got home and rang my Mum to ask if she could pick me up a wreath to take to T's grave over Christmas. That's what I'm buying my husband this year.
I still struggle to think of T having a grave. I find it easier to think that he's simply gone. And I'm overwhelmed with sadness when I think what T's grave actually means. It means he's gone. Christmas can be a sad time. I miss him beyond measure: every single day of my life. I just wish I'd find him at home waiting for me one night. I've got so much to tell him and he'd know just what to say according to my various moods. He'd love the person I've become. I'm so much more confident in myself (most of the time), I take more pride in my appearance, I'm thinner and I love my exercise. I'm more relaxed about things that I used to be uptight about. The new me and T would have a blast, I just know it! But I'm only that person because T died and that's a pretty big thought.
Today, the amazing gift of T continued and I did something that gave me immense pleasure. T had £25 in his wallet when he died. I've kept that money to one side as T firmly believed in karma: if ever he found money in the street he'd donate it to charity because it wasn't his money to keep. So I've done the same with T's cash. I've um-ed and ah-ed about what to do with it – add it to T's website, donate it to a random charity – and today I made my decision. I bought a Big Issue from the lovely vendor who stands on Waterloo Bridge every single day – cleverly alternating sides to maximise sales. He is very unassuming, doesn't give anyone the hard sell, in fact he only speaks when spoken to, but then is always very polite. I handed him £20 and told him to keep the change. It gave me such a buzz! I explained that it was T's money and I wanted to give it to him as he works so hard. He was very grateful and told me he was looking forward to next week as it was the only week of the year he has off. I asked what he'd be doing and he told me he'd be sitting in a chair reading. So I hope that £20 makes a small difference to his Christmas. T was a regular buyer of the Big Issue so I know he'd approve.
As well as the sadness associated with Christmases for me now, there is also a lot of happiness. I get to see my family again. Yay! I get to spend time with my nephew, who I haven't seen since October and who will be celebrating his first birthday on Christmas Day. Yay again! I get to escape London and breath some fresh country air. And I get a big long break from work. I also get to spend my first new year in Italy, with some of the lovely people I've met/become reacquainted with over the past six months. There's no definite plan yet, but that's just the way the Italians roll so I have no choice but to roll with them, which is really good for me. I know we've got at least a night and a lunch in Monte Carlo planned, but beyond that I'm not sure. But that's all I need to know and it's all good.
I feel incredibly blessed. Blessed to have such loving, lovely people in my life who look out for me, make me smile, give me support and advice when I need it, keep me company and love me. Blessed to be in good health and good spirits. Blessed to have a job I enjoy (most of the time) and amazing colleagues (20 of us sitting down for a lunch of homemade chilli, jacket potatoes, bucks fizz, crackers and a chocolate raffle today in our large meeting room was really fun!). Blessed to have a job and a warm bed for the night (and an electric blanket!). And most of all, blessed to have known and loved T, and been loved back. I am who I am today because of him. And I'm grateful for everything he's inspired me to do. I'm a lucky girl.
I wish you all a very happy Christmas and all the very best for the new year. May your days be very merry and very bright.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
Well, hello
It really has been a while this time, hasn't it? As I've found in the past, going back to work really isn't conducive to regular blogging. Amazingly, I'm already over half-way through week four of the daily grind. I don't quite know how.
Anyway, given I've got a limited amount of time today (on my lunch break) and that my internet access at home is down, this is going to have to be quick. In summary:
– I had a great last weekend in France and Italy with my lovely lovely Italian friends. It included everything I thought it would – rooftop cocktails in Nice and a night on the town, followed by a day at thermal baths in the mountains in Italy with the girls, and one last Italian pizza. The sun shone so I also squeezed in one last swim of the year in the Med (my daily dip in the sea is one of the things I miss the most).
– Coming back to the freezing freezing (at the time) NE was tough. Amazing to see my family but a shock to the system weather-wise. It was chilled to the bone cold (especially as I was living out of my suitcase full of summer clothes) and I really noticed how the weather restricts the ability to be outdoors. Once we'd had our daily Costa coffee we had to think of indoor things to do. I'd been used to lying on the beach for eight hours – swimming, snoozing, reading my book, people watching. With company or without. When the weather's nice you can just 'be' outside. It's harder to just 'be' inside. Anyway, my mum and I found plenty to do, including a visit to the Turkish baths in Newcastle; somewhere I'd never been before but will definitely be going back to. It's very old school and all the more lovely for that. I paid extra to use the city pool too, so managed to get my lengths in that day.
– Coming back to my flat was great! I loved having a range of clothes, shoes, jewellery etc to choose from. I loved having my own space. I loved the familiarity and the fact it was all mine and only mine. Since I got back I've embarked on a big clear out – the freezer's been defrosted (long overdue), the bedroom has been cleaned from top to bottom, including moving every bit of furniture to hoover properly, turning the mattress, clearing out old clothes (mine and T's – I was obviously emotionally ready to tackle this job, but incredible that it took me over two years to feel up to it. I'm pleased I did it in my own time though.). Everywhere is (for now) hoovered and dusted on a weekly basis to keep on top of it, so I'm generally feeling more feng-shuied and happy to be living in my newly streamlined and clean abode. I've also been inspired to get my slow cooker out (thanks to Sal!) and have now got eight home-cooked meals in my freezer which will save me cooking from scratch sometimes.
– I've had Chri to stay for the weekend. Massi and Elvira were meant to come too but cancelled at the last minute. We had a great weekend nevertheless – fish and chips, curry, Camden Market, Covent Garden, an Arsenal game at the Emirates, a Perpignan reunion with two other girls we lived with in 1996, birthday presents and cake for Chri's birthday... It was quite nice being a tourist again in my own city – made me appreciate London a bit more.
– On Monday I started Italian lessons. I'm having two hours every Monday and Thursday for five weeks. The really great thing is that there's only two students in the class, so I'm hopeful we're going to learn a lot and progress quickly. I love language full stop, but I already know I'm going to enjoy learning Italian and being able to communicate with my Italian friends who are always obliged to speak in English when I'm around.
– Work is work is work. Some things never change. I am enjoying being back, using my brain, earning some money to pay for the amazing summer I had, seeing my work friends again. It hasn't been daunting going back. And working four days a week makes a massive difference. I'm so grateful to my mum for suggesting I try and negotiate four day weeks (until Christmas anyway). It means I have one day to get on top of my chores and still have two days of weekend. I LOVE IT!
Right, I'm afraid that's my lunch break over. Hopefully I'll be able to post more regular updates once I resolve my internet at home issues. That may take some time and might involve me buying a new computer in sheer frustration though...
Anyway, given I've got a limited amount of time today (on my lunch break) and that my internet access at home is down, this is going to have to be quick. In summary:
– I had a great last weekend in France and Italy with my lovely lovely Italian friends. It included everything I thought it would – rooftop cocktails in Nice and a night on the town, followed by a day at thermal baths in the mountains in Italy with the girls, and one last Italian pizza. The sun shone so I also squeezed in one last swim of the year in the Med (my daily dip in the sea is one of the things I miss the most).
– Coming back to the freezing freezing (at the time) NE was tough. Amazing to see my family but a shock to the system weather-wise. It was chilled to the bone cold (especially as I was living out of my suitcase full of summer clothes) and I really noticed how the weather restricts the ability to be outdoors. Once we'd had our daily Costa coffee we had to think of indoor things to do. I'd been used to lying on the beach for eight hours – swimming, snoozing, reading my book, people watching. With company or without. When the weather's nice you can just 'be' outside. It's harder to just 'be' inside. Anyway, my mum and I found plenty to do, including a visit to the Turkish baths in Newcastle; somewhere I'd never been before but will definitely be going back to. It's very old school and all the more lovely for that. I paid extra to use the city pool too, so managed to get my lengths in that day.
– Coming back to my flat was great! I loved having a range of clothes, shoes, jewellery etc to choose from. I loved having my own space. I loved the familiarity and the fact it was all mine and only mine. Since I got back I've embarked on a big clear out – the freezer's been defrosted (long overdue), the bedroom has been cleaned from top to bottom, including moving every bit of furniture to hoover properly, turning the mattress, clearing out old clothes (mine and T's – I was obviously emotionally ready to tackle this job, but incredible that it took me over two years to feel up to it. I'm pleased I did it in my own time though.). Everywhere is (for now) hoovered and dusted on a weekly basis to keep on top of it, so I'm generally feeling more feng-shuied and happy to be living in my newly streamlined and clean abode. I've also been inspired to get my slow cooker out (thanks to Sal!) and have now got eight home-cooked meals in my freezer which will save me cooking from scratch sometimes.
– I've had Chri to stay for the weekend. Massi and Elvira were meant to come too but cancelled at the last minute. We had a great weekend nevertheless – fish and chips, curry, Camden Market, Covent Garden, an Arsenal game at the Emirates, a Perpignan reunion with two other girls we lived with in 1996, birthday presents and cake for Chri's birthday... It was quite nice being a tourist again in my own city – made me appreciate London a bit more.
– On Monday I started Italian lessons. I'm having two hours every Monday and Thursday for five weeks. The really great thing is that there's only two students in the class, so I'm hopeful we're going to learn a lot and progress quickly. I love language full stop, but I already know I'm going to enjoy learning Italian and being able to communicate with my Italian friends who are always obliged to speak in English when I'm around.
– Work is work is work. Some things never change. I am enjoying being back, using my brain, earning some money to pay for the amazing summer I had, seeing my work friends again. It hasn't been daunting going back. And working four days a week makes a massive difference. I'm so grateful to my mum for suggesting I try and negotiate four day weeks (until Christmas anyway). It means I have one day to get on top of my chores and still have two days of weekend. I LOVE IT!
Right, I'm afraid that's my lunch break over. Hopefully I'll be able to post more regular updates once I resolve my internet at home issues. That may take some time and might involve me buying a new computer in sheer frustration though...
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Friday, 30 September 2011
A quick FYI in case you think I'm MIA
Sorry for the silence; I'm aware I've gone quiet but it's not been intentional. I've been relying on internet cafes since I got back to France and also making the most of my last few days in the sunshine as I head back to the UK next week to start work back in London the week after. The agency I was at earlier this year offered me another six-month contract which kind of works for me as it means I can take off again next summer. I know it's everything I promised I wouldn't do, but I do enjoy my job and the people I work with (hello Luke!) and it's a good way to fund my next adventure. It will also be nice to spend some time with family and friends but I'm warning you now, I'm likely to be a moaning minnie for a good few weeks while I re-adjust.
Since getting back from the UK, this is what I've done:
- Marked T's birthday. I hate the birthdays and anniversaries passing, especially T's birthday. He loved his birthday. I had a strawberry tart on his behalf and lit a candle for him.
- Went to a bi-annual cheese/slow food festival in Piedmonte, Italy. We ate far too much but it was a good day out. I really enjoyed driving through the mountains and fell in love with a small ski village called Limone (lemon in English!).
- Watched a film called 'Auberge Espagnole' for the first ever time. It's basically like watching a film about our lives in Casque D'or in Perpignan. Very surreal. I'm pleased I got to watch it with Chri though, and will be bringing it home to watch with Marras Nic and Hooch.
- Went to the beach most days last week as the weather has been glorious. That's meant I've done a lot of reading which I'm very happy about. I read a good book called 'Night Train to Lisbon' by Pascal Mercier and I've just finished 'Water for Elephants' which I really enjoyed too (thanks Sal!). Now I'm stuck as my next book is in Nice and I'm in Cannes. Grrrr.
- Marked our wedding anniversary. I spent the day on the beach and went out with friends in Monaco in the evening. I told them about T, but not that it was our anniversary that day. They didn't need to know. I enjoyed the day and thought a lot about the happiest day of our lives five whole years ago.
- Met my parents at Nice airport and am currently enjoying spending a week on holiday with them in Cannes. We've been to a beautiful island - Ile Saint Honorat - just a 20-minute boat journey from Cannes. It's very unspoilt and home to a lot of monks. It's well worth a visit. We've also watched lots of stunning sunsets, explored some of the coastline and swam in the sea every day. Today I mastered swimming with my head underwater and saw a big school of fish swimming below me in the crystal clear water! I can't remember ever swimming in such clear sea - it was more like swimming in a pool. Admittedly it's much colder than it was a couple of weeks ago, but still very pleasant for swimming. Yesterday we went to Italy and I feel in love with a town just over the border called Bordighera. I swam at our regular beach in Bussana then picked Chri up from Sanremo and went to my favourite restarant in Bussana Vecchia (the earthquake-damaged town) for dinner. It was very strange for both Chri and me being there again and with my parents too, but we had a lovely evening.
And this is what the next few days has in store:
- Chilling around Cannes tomorrow, including another visit to the beach and some more underwater action!
- Cocktails on a rooftop bar in Nice on Saturday night before my parents fly home, then dinner for me with some lovely Italian friends. Chri is going to Milan so he's a bit put-out that I'll be socialising with 'his' friends!
- A spa day on Sunday with one of the lovely Italian friends who was going to take me as a surprise for my last weekend here but was too excited to keep it to herself - means I've got it to look forward to though.
- Fingers and toes crossed that Monday is nice so I can go to the beach in Villefranche one last time then spend my final evening with Chri. I don't quite know what I'll do without Chri, but I guess I survived for 14 years without him last time, so I can do it again (well hopefully not 14 years this time).
- Fly back to the UK on Tuesday and start work again the following Monday but let's not talk about that right now...
Since getting back from the UK, this is what I've done:
- Marked T's birthday. I hate the birthdays and anniversaries passing, especially T's birthday. He loved his birthday. I had a strawberry tart on his behalf and lit a candle for him.
- Went to a bi-annual cheese/slow food festival in Piedmonte, Italy. We ate far too much but it was a good day out. I really enjoyed driving through the mountains and fell in love with a small ski village called Limone (lemon in English!).
- Watched a film called 'Auberge Espagnole' for the first ever time. It's basically like watching a film about our lives in Casque D'or in Perpignan. Very surreal. I'm pleased I got to watch it with Chri though, and will be bringing it home to watch with Marras Nic and Hooch.
- Went to the beach most days last week as the weather has been glorious. That's meant I've done a lot of reading which I'm very happy about. I read a good book called 'Night Train to Lisbon' by Pascal Mercier and I've just finished 'Water for Elephants' which I really enjoyed too (thanks Sal!). Now I'm stuck as my next book is in Nice and I'm in Cannes. Grrrr.
- Marked our wedding anniversary. I spent the day on the beach and went out with friends in Monaco in the evening. I told them about T, but not that it was our anniversary that day. They didn't need to know. I enjoyed the day and thought a lot about the happiest day of our lives five whole years ago.
- Met my parents at Nice airport and am currently enjoying spending a week on holiday with them in Cannes. We've been to a beautiful island - Ile Saint Honorat - just a 20-minute boat journey from Cannes. It's very unspoilt and home to a lot of monks. It's well worth a visit. We've also watched lots of stunning sunsets, explored some of the coastline and swam in the sea every day. Today I mastered swimming with my head underwater and saw a big school of fish swimming below me in the crystal clear water! I can't remember ever swimming in such clear sea - it was more like swimming in a pool. Admittedly it's much colder than it was a couple of weeks ago, but still very pleasant for swimming. Yesterday we went to Italy and I feel in love with a town just over the border called Bordighera. I swam at our regular beach in Bussana then picked Chri up from Sanremo and went to my favourite restarant in Bussana Vecchia (the earthquake-damaged town) for dinner. It was very strange for both Chri and me being there again and with my parents too, but we had a lovely evening.
And this is what the next few days has in store:
- Chilling around Cannes tomorrow, including another visit to the beach and some more underwater action!
- Cocktails on a rooftop bar in Nice on Saturday night before my parents fly home, then dinner for me with some lovely Italian friends. Chri is going to Milan so he's a bit put-out that I'll be socialising with 'his' friends!
- A spa day on Sunday with one of the lovely Italian friends who was going to take me as a surprise for my last weekend here but was too excited to keep it to herself - means I've got it to look forward to though.
- Fingers and toes crossed that Monday is nice so I can go to the beach in Villefranche one last time then spend my final evening with Chri. I don't quite know what I'll do without Chri, but I guess I survived for 14 years without him last time, so I can do it again (well hopefully not 14 years this time).
- Fly back to the UK on Tuesday and start work again the following Monday but let's not talk about that right now...
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
La mer est bleue et les poissons sont verts
Today I'm really really missing the sea; the blueness of the Mediterranean reflecting the blueness of the sky, the far-reaching vistas, the warmth of the sun. But mainly the sea. Suburban life isn't for me.
Random quotes
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.”
A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
“Clare: It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.”
The Time Traveller's Wife , Audrey Niffenegger
"'To be born again,' sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, 'first you have to die'."
The Satanic Verses, Salman Rushdie
A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
“Clare: It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays.”
The Time Traveller's Wife , Audrey Niffenegger
"'To be born again,' sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, 'first you have to die'."
The Satanic Verses, Salman Rushdie
What do I feel? and Things that struck me
Part 1 - What do I feel?
I'm back in the UK for a flying visit. I landed late last night and head back on Thursday night. Just time to check up on my apartment, check my post and have a meeting about going back to work. Oh, and maybe get my hair cut too. Haven't been brave enough to get it done in France.
On the plane last night I started a page in my notebook entitled 'What do I feel?'. But I seem to attract sociable people on public transport, always have, and last night the woman beside me chatted from take off to landing, so I didn't get any further than the title. So here's some thinking out loud about how I feel/felt:
- Neutral; neither really sad to be leaving, nor really ecstatic to be returning. It was just something I was doing, but not in a bad way.
- My heart filled with happiness seeing the lights of Nice set out below me. It's been an amazing summer and it was an amazing view. It was good knowing I'll be back on Thursday.
- Knowing that I'll almost definitely be returning to my London life in the very near future and feeling OK about that, quite excited maybe. I've missed my family, friends, apartment and even my car. I've missed my things, my own space, being more in control of my life, a routine (although being without those things has also been incredibly liberating and more good for me than I think I've realised).
- I'll miss the weather for sure; that will be one of the hardest things for me to adjust to. I love love love the sunshine and warmth. I love love love being able to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner outside. Swimming in the sea every day. Eating fruit and vegetables that have been grown locally in the same sunshine that I've enjoyed, not imported from Kenya and NZ and Israel.
- Sad sad sad that my summer is coming to an end. The leaves are changing colour and beginning to fall. The winter clothes are in the shops. I'm likely going back to midnight finishes, stress, London life in general. Things I vowed I wouldn't do, or continue to do. I've done so many amazing things this summer, with so many amazing people. I'm sad to think that their lives will continue as usual, but that I won't be there to share quite so many of the good times with them. Along with the weather and the sea, I'll miss the people and the fun times A LOT. But remembering that I can be back there in 1.5 hours. And that I've got my fair share of amazing people waiting for me back here. To do amazing things with.
- As well as feeling excited about coming back, feeling a bit sad that life in the Med hasn't worked out for me in the medium term. Yet. Knowing that I can't stay in Nice just because I've got one really good friend there, and the city really hasn't stolen my heart so I've got no reason to stay (other than the weather and the lifestyle and Chri). Italy, however, has stolen my heart. Well and truly. But at the same time having doubts about going to Genova without Chri because I'd be so dependent on his friends to look out for me, which they would. But would I have as much fun without that missing link? Then remembering what wise old Sheila the Healer used to say - that it's OK having medium- and long-term plans. That you don't need to get to where you eventually want to be, today. It's OK to work towards that and plan it and get there in your own time. (Italian lessons here I come...)
- Very nervous about going back to Groundhog Day. Questioning my reasons for doing so. Having said that, I'm going to do my darndest to stop it becoming GHD. I'm going to buy fresh bread at Pain Quotidien or Paul and have nice lunches, not some Hovis jam sanga. I'm going to learn Italian. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to try and do fun random things with fun random people. I'm going to try not to work so late. I'm going to try and clear the flat out and make some changes (that one will be easier said than done). I'm going to get to spend more time with my family and observe my youngest nephew growing up - three months is a long time in baby time. I'm going to visit GB in Paris and I can't wait for that. I miss him a lot. I'm also going to visit Yaty in Stockholm. Anyway, I know I said all of this after South Africa last year, but I really need to make it happen. It's up to me. Shit.
Interestingly, writing all of that down has made me question my feelings. It'll be interesting to see how things pan out.
Part 2 - Things that struck me
Travelling into London today, these things struck me at various times during my journey. I wrote them down as they occurred to me:
- Yellow number plates.
- How tall The Shard is.
- How much Italian I'm thinking. (I didn't sleep that well last night and woke up at various times, obviously confused about where I was but with random Italian words going round my head. I praised the computer for working this morning in Italian. I cursed a car when I was crossing the road in Italian. And the ticket machine at the station got some Italian too. Strano.)
- How I hesitate before I speak to strangers in English (like the person beside me on the train or the man on the platform at the station). I'm so used to speaking to strangers in French or Italian. I keep having to remind myself that it's OK to blether away in English - these people will understand me.
- How good it is to be home. I loved my cup of tea and fruit and fibre this morning. With normal milk. I love having a wardrobe full of clothes. And shoes. And a wider choice of jewellery. I even enjoyed my trip to Waitrose. Our supermarkets are so well-stocked.
- How familiar things are - things like buses and taxis.
- How grey the Thames is. Yuk. I'm so used to my water being transparent turquoise. And I appreciate that the Thames will never be transparent or turquoise but it was actually a shock to see how grey it was.
- How excited I am about some of my Italian friends coming to my city in October. So I can return some of their hospitality. So I can show them the best of the city and make sure they have the best time. It will be completely different to my trips to Italy, but I have to avoid putting pressure on myself to recreate those trips and just embrace the fact that they'll be super excited to be here and will be seeing things through a tourist's eyes.
I'm back in the UK for a flying visit. I landed late last night and head back on Thursday night. Just time to check up on my apartment, check my post and have a meeting about going back to work. Oh, and maybe get my hair cut too. Haven't been brave enough to get it done in France.
On the plane last night I started a page in my notebook entitled 'What do I feel?'. But I seem to attract sociable people on public transport, always have, and last night the woman beside me chatted from take off to landing, so I didn't get any further than the title. So here's some thinking out loud about how I feel/felt:
- Neutral; neither really sad to be leaving, nor really ecstatic to be returning. It was just something I was doing, but not in a bad way.
- My heart filled with happiness seeing the lights of Nice set out below me. It's been an amazing summer and it was an amazing view. It was good knowing I'll be back on Thursday.
- Knowing that I'll almost definitely be returning to my London life in the very near future and feeling OK about that, quite excited maybe. I've missed my family, friends, apartment and even my car. I've missed my things, my own space, being more in control of my life, a routine (although being without those things has also been incredibly liberating and more good for me than I think I've realised).
- I'll miss the weather for sure; that will be one of the hardest things for me to adjust to. I love love love the sunshine and warmth. I love love love being able to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner outside. Swimming in the sea every day. Eating fruit and vegetables that have been grown locally in the same sunshine that I've enjoyed, not imported from Kenya and NZ and Israel.
- Sad sad sad that my summer is coming to an end. The leaves are changing colour and beginning to fall. The winter clothes are in the shops. I'm likely going back to midnight finishes, stress, London life in general. Things I vowed I wouldn't do, or continue to do. I've done so many amazing things this summer, with so many amazing people. I'm sad to think that their lives will continue as usual, but that I won't be there to share quite so many of the good times with them. Along with the weather and the sea, I'll miss the people and the fun times A LOT. But remembering that I can be back there in 1.5 hours. And that I've got my fair share of amazing people waiting for me back here. To do amazing things with.
- As well as feeling excited about coming back, feeling a bit sad that life in the Med hasn't worked out for me in the medium term. Yet. Knowing that I can't stay in Nice just because I've got one really good friend there, and the city really hasn't stolen my heart so I've got no reason to stay (other than the weather and the lifestyle and Chri). Italy, however, has stolen my heart. Well and truly. But at the same time having doubts about going to Genova without Chri because I'd be so dependent on his friends to look out for me, which they would. But would I have as much fun without that missing link? Then remembering what wise old Sheila the Healer used to say - that it's OK having medium- and long-term plans. That you don't need to get to where you eventually want to be, today. It's OK to work towards that and plan it and get there in your own time. (Italian lessons here I come...)
- Very nervous about going back to Groundhog Day. Questioning my reasons for doing so. Having said that, I'm going to do my darndest to stop it becoming GHD. I'm going to buy fresh bread at Pain Quotidien or Paul and have nice lunches, not some Hovis jam sanga. I'm going to learn Italian. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to try and do fun random things with fun random people. I'm going to try not to work so late. I'm going to try and clear the flat out and make some changes (that one will be easier said than done). I'm going to get to spend more time with my family and observe my youngest nephew growing up - three months is a long time in baby time. I'm going to visit GB in Paris and I can't wait for that. I miss him a lot. I'm also going to visit Yaty in Stockholm. Anyway, I know I said all of this after South Africa last year, but I really need to make it happen. It's up to me. Shit.
Interestingly, writing all of that down has made me question my feelings. It'll be interesting to see how things pan out.
Part 2 - Things that struck me
Travelling into London today, these things struck me at various times during my journey. I wrote them down as they occurred to me:
- Yellow number plates.
- How tall The Shard is.
- How much Italian I'm thinking. (I didn't sleep that well last night and woke up at various times, obviously confused about where I was but with random Italian words going round my head. I praised the computer for working this morning in Italian. I cursed a car when I was crossing the road in Italian. And the ticket machine at the station got some Italian too. Strano.)
- How I hesitate before I speak to strangers in English (like the person beside me on the train or the man on the platform at the station). I'm so used to speaking to strangers in French or Italian. I keep having to remind myself that it's OK to blether away in English - these people will understand me.
- How good it is to be home. I loved my cup of tea and fruit and fibre this morning. With normal milk. I love having a wardrobe full of clothes. And shoes. And a wider choice of jewellery. I even enjoyed my trip to Waitrose. Our supermarkets are so well-stocked.
- How familiar things are - things like buses and taxis.
- How grey the Thames is. Yuk. I'm so used to my water being transparent turquoise. And I appreciate that the Thames will never be transparent or turquoise but it was actually a shock to see how grey it was.
- How excited I am about some of my Italian friends coming to my city in October. So I can return some of their hospitality. So I can show them the best of the city and make sure they have the best time. It will be completely different to my trips to Italy, but I have to avoid putting pressure on myself to recreate those trips and just embrace the fact that they'll be super excited to be here and will be seeing things through a tourist's eyes.
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