Mixed emotions

In four days I embark on my trip to New Zealand, Australia, Singapore and probably Vietnam. That's seven long but sometimes short months since I was widowed. People say I'm brave but I'm not brave. I'm just doing what I've got to do and hoping for the best the same as anyone else. Today I don't want to go and I definitely don't feel brave. Or at least I do want to go but I don't want to leave the security of my home, where my memories and the physical reminders of my past life are.

It's so hard doing this alone. I know I've got the support of my amazing family and friends but it's not the same as having T here. It's not the same not having that person around to bounce things off. To ask for advice. To get excited with. I know he'd want me to go but I'd happily trade this, and the rest, for my old life. It also feels rather daunting heading out into the big wide world on my own, without that person who always looked out for my safety, happiness and general wellbeing. I felt protected, although I wasn't aware of it at the time. Now I feel vulnerable. But I know I need to be strong and give the outward impression of strength in order not to feel so vulnerable.

Anyway, enough of the doom and gloom. This is meant to be inspirational... I know it will be a positive experience and I think it will be good for my soul. I'm lucky on many levels to be able to embark on this trip and I know T would want me to go and experience it for the both of us. I've got to live two lives now and this is my way of honouring my yesterday today.