Full circle

I can remember so vividly being sat in the lounge at Heathrow on 28th February crying my eyes out. Crying because I didn't know what to expect. Crying because of what I was leaving behind. Crying because I was alone. And sad. And nervous. And crying most of all because T wasn't with me. Almost two and a half months later I'm sat crying in the lounge at Singapore's Changi Airport. Crying because I know what to expect when I get home. Crying because of what I'm leaving behind here in the southern hemisphere. Crying because I'm alone. And because T isn't with me. And because he won't be at the other end to welcome me back into his life. I long to be safely enclosed in his strong arms, my heart warmed by his huge smile. At home. Where we belong.

But I'm also crying because I made it. I survived. I have seen and done things that made my heart sing. I've met some amazing new friends. I've caught up with some amazing old friends. I've swam with dolphins. I've climbed some mountains. I've jumped out of a bloody plane. I've been white-water rafting. On a tall ship. Out for cocktails. And delicious food. Survived a canyon swing. Camped for a whole freaking month. Been dancing. Sat round camp fires. Drank lots of beer. And some of the nicest wine I've ever tasted. I feel different I think. Stronger in some ways. More vulnerable in others. But I think I've proved to myself that when faced with the choice I chose life and survival. I could so easily have gone the other way. But I feel alive, and grateful to have had the opportunities I've had. I'm proud of myself. And what makes me cry even more is that I know T would be proud of me too. He would be astounded by what I've done. I did a lot of it for me. But I did most of it for him. Rest in peace my beautiful boy. And, if you can, stay with me somehow forever. I need you close. I love you.